I'll say again what I've been saying for months: we need to skip February next year. I'm just glad that I have more heat in my house than I did in my last apartment... though I'm not looking forward to the gas bills.

The best cryptic metaphor I can think of for describing my life recently is that I am at the top or the bottom of a mountain. I can't figure out if I am looking up or down at it, but I know it's in front of me. I feel that I must either let go and jump off or gather my strength and start the climb - or both. I know that this is a good thing - it is what I have sought. It is just overwhelming.

I am noticing how my body adjusts to the cold. I feel constricted. It makes me want it to be spring even more. I am doing my best to respect the cycle of the seasons, and adjust or find other ways to fill myself with warmth.

For Thanksgiving, I got up early and went for my annual jog. This year I did it through the neighborhood around my house - where I will be for at least a few years to come. I then drove out to my parent's. I had some great time with them and around 5:00 my aunts and uncles started showing up and by 6:00 we had dinner. I kept trying to get my mom to take off her apron and join us at the table. I embraced another holiday tradition and went out shopping on "Black Friday". My parent's decided they wanted an High-Definition TV, so I went to Meijer at 3:00 AM and waited in line to buy a 42 inch LCD for only $500. I also got them a Blu-Ray player, and came home and set everything up. After taking a nap I went to the mall with Alex for a bit, and then decided to just drive home that night.

Over the course of November, I developed an infatuation with my friend, Sarah. It took me some time to realize how I really felt towards her, but suffice it to say we are now spending a majority of our free time together.

At work, we've been doing full days since mid-November on a large package of spots that will take us through 'til the holiday break. We were also given the week between Christmas and New Year's off. I'm thinking of taking a road trip.

I was really anxious to take care of my holiday preparation. I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping before December by way of local craft fairs and amazon.com. The other week I hung some lights along the front of my house. This Monday I made my own cards to mail to family and Tuesday I took care of all my gift wrapping. Now all I have to do is enjoy the holiday season.

Mr. November

I knew October was going to fly by, with all of the change of the season activities... I was feeling overwhelmed towards the end.

My two big house-held events went great: the Eat So They Can potluck on the 17th, and the Devil's Night party on the 30th. I raised the $500 minimum requirement to be eligible for a trip to Africa to help distribute the money raised. Of course, I also had a bunch of friends and neighbors over and shared some delicious food. Afterward I hung out with Ben for a few hours and had great conversation.

The next day, I decided to take a long walk. I had somewhat of a revelation along the way. I realized that all of the emphasis I had put on other people motivating me to be the way I should be was really just myself feeling inspired to bring out the part of me that I admired in others and hadn't yet realized in myself.

The following weekend Alex came over and the two of us went to the Harvest Beer Festival in Eastern Market. It was much colder than I had dressed for, but that only prompted me to drink more. We made it home, watched a movie, then went to Qdoba for dinner before driving out to Rochester for my friend Cori's Halloween party. The people there were a lot older than Alex and I, but we hung around for a while before driving back to Royal Oak and hanging out with Ben, Liz, Dan, and Stephanie.

That weekend was at the center of a really intense project that Chris and I worked on that resulted in seven long workdays (some of them 12+ hour) and an additional eight hours on Sunday. At least it will make for a nice paycheck in a couple weeks.

October ended with an enjoyable Halloween. Friday I had my Devil's Night party, and had a great turnout. Considering, I had fairly minimal clean up the following day (plus $8.00 in can returns!) I had intended to take it easy on Halloween day, but Ben, Liz, and Adam (who was in town for mine and another party) convinced me to go to this other party with them. So, Halloween Day I spent hanging out with Ben and Adam while Liz had to work. Afterward we drove out to Rochester for this party. It was in a townhouse that was near the Oakland University campus. A lot of college kids... none of whom I knew. It was definitely a well-thrown party, but the atmosphere was a little too "frat house", and we were all happy to leave after a couple hours.

This week, I started on a company-wide project to produce a documentary. I've spent the past couple days capturing hours and hours of footage that we've collected and logging the shots. Over the next few months we'll continue to scan the already-loaded footage and try and form a cohesive story.

I am going to do my best to relax and enjoy the upcoming holiday season. I've already got a surprise present idea for my parents, and am glad to have new windows in my house. I want to try grow a full-on beard for the first time. I also got myself the coolest winter hat I've ever owned. This winter won't be quite as cold as the last one.

waiting for October

Early Autumn is my favorite time of year. I always forget how quickly the weather turns chilly, but once I've got that first cold behind me (mine was this past weekend), I completely embrace the cooler weather, and all of the things it allows for: sweaters, hot drinks, and the smell of pumpkin pie (from a candle or otherwise.)

Last week was fairly uneventful... the highlight was finding an amazing fabric pattern at Target when I went there with Ben and Liz. The thing was, it was a shower curtain... but I knew I had to have it. I was thinking I would just fold it over and make it a tablecloth, but then I realized that the pattern would make awesome window valances. I did some measurements, and realized that I could cut them in half vertically, fold over the cut edge, and sew it against the back, making a channel for the curtain rod. I went back to Target the next day, bought four more, and with the help of Margrit and Julie (two ladies at my work) I was able to make an entire house's worth of valances. We finished them Thursday, and I hung them up as soon as I got home from work. That night, my neighbor Carey, along with other people with October birthdays, were celebrating at the Rock Lobster night at Sakana. Ben and Liz's roommate Dan joined me, and after hanging out for a few hours, we met up with Liz who was celebrating her friend's bachelorette party. We met up with them at Blackfinn, a place I'd never been to before. I'd heard a lot of things about Blackfinn, and I'm happy to say that having been there I felt totally out of place. So, after a short while I said my goodbyes to everyone and went home.

As I mentioned, I ended up catching a cold. It wasn't the best way to spend my day off, but I did get my car door fixed and had a great lunch at Toast. With nothing else to do, I drove out to my parent's early. That night I was feeling like total crap but ended up sleeping for a good eleven hours and Saturday I felt much better. Saturday night my grandparents took everyone on my mom's side of the family to dinner at Lone Star Steakhouse (kind of the ritual place.) That night was the Butthole Surfers/Built To Spill concert in Royal Oak. I knew a bunch of my friends would be out at the bar, and though I was still feeling under the weather, I figured one drink and an hour out wouldn't be too bad, so I headed up to the Loving Touch around 11:30. The concert hadn't finished yet, but there were still a lot of people there. I ran into my friends Andi and Melanie who were hanging out with their friend Sarah. They let me sit with them, and after talking with Sarah for a bit I felt like we were hitting it off. Eventually everyone moved up to the bar, and my friend Ritchie was DJing in the seating area. I sat down next to Sarah, and we talked for a while before I got the courage to ask if she was seeing anyone and if she'd like to go on a date sometime. We exchanged numbers, and made a date for the coming week. Sunday I spent the majority of the day cleaning up around the house and baking two pumpkin pies - one for myself, and another to thank Margrit and Julie. That night I went and saw Pandorum and Zombieland with Ben and Liz. Pandorum wasn't great, but Zombieland was fantastic - my favorite movie of the year so far.

Monday I worked with Mat and had my grandparents over for dinner. I cooked them a chicken stir-fry and we had some of the pumpkin pie for dessert. Tuesday I worked with Mat again, and after work met up with Sarah at the Bean and Leaf cafe in Royal Oak. We talked for a nice long time, and though she might be having some friends over this weekend, if not I invited her to the Friendly Foes/Javelins show at the Berkley Front. Wednesday I assisted Byron, and today I've been going back and forth helping Chris and Byron. It's been a busy week around the company, but at least it makes the time fly. I did wake up feeling like my cold was coming back, and the air conditioning around here doesn't help. Tomorrow after work I'm going to spend the night at my parent's and Saturday I'm meeting Nicole from Sloe Gin Fizz to pick up a specially made three-foot print.

Planning for the Eat So They Can potluck is going well. I'm expecting a nice assortment of friends, family, and co-workers. If you haven't heard about it yet... it will be on Saturday the 17th at 2:00. Around the world people are hosting dinner parties to raise money to fight child poverty in Africa. Last year my friends Julie and Laura hosted a potluck at our house on Ardmore and they won a trip to Africa to help with the effort. This year I am hosting one, and all you need to bring is a dish to pass... and a friend if you can!

time flies when...

October is going to be a ridiculously busy month for me!

As if the past week hasn't been busy...

The D.I.Y. Street Fair was amazing! Friday I stayed out way too late but enjoyed performances by my friends in Serenity Court as well as Patrick Davy. Saturday I spent the entire afternoon shopping. My absolute favorite artist was Sloe Gin Fizz: whimsical drawings by my new friend Nicole Ray. Every one of her works touched me, and I purchased a print of "Sub(tract) Housing" and talked to her about specially making me a three-foot tall print - both of which I intend to build frames for. I also bought a fridge magnet by one of my favorite artists: Kill Taupe, and a Decemberists poster by my friends Chris and Ed in Silent Giants.

Sunday I hung out with my friend Ben and we watched Mother Whale, Sisters Lucas, Champions of Breakfast, Friendly Foes, and when Liz got off work she joined us and we played a little bit of pool at the Loving Touch before turning in.

The work week after that was interesting. I stayed until midnight Monday night, and then Tuesday we had to work all through the night... I didn't leave until 7:30 in the morning. I went home, got a couple hours of sleep, and came back in at noon to wrap things up before our client's 4:00 meeting. That totally threw my schedule out of whack, and it took me 'til Friday to get back to routine. Friday night Ben and Liz came over and we watched Evil Dead II.

Saturday I drove out to my parent's to watch the Michigan game, and to help paint the hallway and living room. When they took a break for lunch I went to Wasem's to get cider and doughnuts, and after we finished painting we all went to dinner at Red Robin.

Sunday I decided to go to a yoga class at Namaste, and I felt really out of practice. Afterward I met up with Ben and we picked up a suit that he bought at Men's Warehouse, and met up with Liz and had dinner at Fuji. Liz had to go back to work for a meeting, so Ben and I went to Cass Cafe for the 23rd Cass Collective. There were some really interesting noise performances and the night was capped off by an awesome performance by Mother Whale.

This morning my alarm didn't go off, but even though I had gone to sleep after 2:00, I managed to wake up and get to work before 9:00. Tonight I'm going to hang out with Ben and Liz again before Ben drives back to East Lansing.

Looking ahead... this Friday I am taking the day off work to get my car door fixed (it doesn't open from the outside) and take my ritual Fall walk around town for the afternoon. I put extra effort into making an amazing mix for the month of October - it is one of my best accomplishments in setting a mood and blending genres. Friday night I'm going to go to my parents again for pizza night and to watch the Michigan vs. Michigan State game on Saturday. Saturday night my grandparent's are taking the family out to eat before they move to Florida for the winter.

October 17th I'm hosting an Eat So They Can fundraiser potluck at my house. I'm hoping for a big turnout... I've invited all of my friends, relatives, and coworkers. October 24th is the Harvest Beer Festival in Eastern Market, that I'll probably go to with Ben, Alex, and possibly Britney. I'm also throwing a Devil's Night party. I started a checklist of all the things I need to get... let's just say it's lengthy. I did make an awesome flyer:



It'll be Christmas before I know it!

There have been so many great albums released this year! Here's the rundown of my favorites so far (that I'm aware of):

Apostle of Hustle - Eats Darkness
Asobi Seksu - Hush
Black Moth Super Rainbow - Eating Us
Engineers - Three Fact Fader
Halloween, Alaska - Champagne Downtown
Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care
Röyksopp - Junior
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Wilco - Wilco (the Album)

that doesn't even include releases by A.C. Newman, Animal Collective, Andrew Bird, Doves, and Grizzly Bear which could always make a greater impression on me.

Last Wednesday I had dinner with Britney. She talked about hosting a pizza and movie night sometime in October, and I invited her to join Alex, Ben and I to the Harvest (Beer) Festival at Eastern Market. I also decided to have a Halloween party (on the 30th) so, if you're reading this and are looking for a place to party... you're invited.

Last weekend was excellent. Saturday my parents came over in the morning to help me rehang the blinds that had to be taken down when I had windows put in, and after they left I played soccer for a couple of hours with a group who gets together regularly through meetup.com. After that, I drove up to East Lansing to celebrate Ben's birthday. We spent hours just talking about this and that, and it was such a great feeling. That day felt like the perfect day.

This week started off surprisingly - with a 14 hour day. The next couple days passed quickly with just a little bit of work. For the past week or so I've been teaching myself Adobe After Effects, and today I made a short type animation that Chris might use in a promotional video he's working on.

This weekend is one I've been looking forward to for a long time... the Ferndale D.I.Y. Street Fair! (I've completely forgotten that the "Funky Ferndale Art Fair" is also this weekend). I am going to be spending practically all of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday enjoying the festivities.

keep your eyes on right, keep your eyes on right ahead

So, Gina moved to Boston to go back to school. I understood from the moment - about a month ago - that she decided that was what she needed to do that it would mean the end of our relationship. She gave me so much inspiration and motivation over the past several months that we spent together, I don't know how I could ever thank her.

I am going to have a five-day weekend starting Thursday. Sometime in the morning I am going to have ten new windows installed throughout the main floor of my house, which hopefully won't take up too much of the day. After they are finished, I am thinking of going to see District 9. I have heard very little about the movie, other than it's really good (and that not knowing anything will only make it better.) Friday is Alex's birthday, and him and I are driving together to Ben's house. Sometime over the rest of the weekend my parents are going to come over and I'm going to cook them a Labor Day dinner.

I don't particularly mind the colder weather we've been having, I just hope that it doesn't get colder than usual in late Autumn. The way the weather is now would be perfect until Thanksgiving. I was reflecting recently on what my favorite season is: when it's winter I want it to be spring, and when it's spring I want it to be summer. I've come to appreciate the summer more, but with the fall approaching, my usual sense of excitement is returning. The fact remains that when it's autumn, I want it to be autumn. I would say that I wish it could be autumn all year round, but I am a firm believer in the notion that nothing good can last forever. If the best things in life were constant, we would take them for granted. I've consequently gotten better at living in the moment - not concerning myself with the past which is unchangeable, or the future which is unpredictable, but to just be conscious of the life I am actually living,

past is past

So, as with any time where I wait a month between entries, a lot has been going on. I am still dating Gina. I am still slowly making progress on sprucing up my house. I am still spending the majority of my time at work, and the majority of my free time watching TV.

With only four other Assistant Editors, whenever all of our Online edit rooms are booked, I end up getting tapped to help out. Chris and I haven't had a constant flow of work though, yet there is talk of some bigger jobs later this month. Some people might be happy to be in air conditioning, but with the tundra-like temperatures this room always seems to be at, I would much rather be outside in the heat.

My dad built me a bookcase for my living room that is absolutely enormous. It really is intimidating the first time you walk into the room with it. I've gotten used to it now, and love it for being able to hold all of my books, movies, and assorted knick knacks. My dad also helped me lay down some dirt along the north side of the house - I needed to adjust the pitch of the ground because it was angling in towards the house. My next big improvement will be new windows throughout the main floor; I'm having them installed September 3rd.

A couple weekends ago the Ferndale Bike Club had a joint garage sale at Carey's house (she lives across the street from me) so I helped Gina clean a lot of the clutter out of her apartment which was sold or donated, and I got rid of a couple old CDs, DVDs, and more importantly my entire Magic collection (I did hold onto a handful of the best cards which I'm selling on eBay.) I also finally listed the pink stove that came with the house on Craigslist.

I'm thinking of planning another house party for sometime in early September. Anyone interested?

as summer surrounds us

Bullet-point entry time.:

- Had my official "housewarming(s)". My grandparents and some of my aunts and uncles came over on the 20th. We went to lunch at Pete's Place and after they left Gina and I went to one of her childhood friends's wedding. The following weekend I had an Open House for friends and neighbors. Vodka punch + basement dance party.

- Gina and I are officially dating now. It's been awhile since either of us was in a relationship, but that's allowing us to settle slowly into it.

- Since my last entry I've read God Bless You, Mr, Rosewater, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and The Catcher in the Rye. I just started re-reading Ender's Game. I've been picking up tons of used books from garage sales and book stores. My dad is building me a bookcase that should be done this weekend. I am going to fill it up with knick knacks and, of course, books.

- I realize something that's been missing from my life since shortly before, during, and after the move... video games! I've neglected playing Guitar Hero in a long time, and until yesterday I hadn't even hooked up my N64. I love old Nintendo platforms... I have a SNES and an NES with a ton of games, but right now I've been itching to play a handful of games that I picked up from a garage sale at a STEAL: Super Mario 64, Mario Kart, and Mario Party 1, 2, and 3... for five bucks!

- Last weekend while I was staying at my parents for the holiday I hung out with Alex, Kenny, and Kyle. I realized that I've really missed being able to see them all the time. It's just difficult living so far away... and then whenever I'm in town I'm always wanting to make a point to see them because it's so rare that I can.

- I've been getting really into designing and repurposing. All of the decorating of my house got me started, and I've since handmade a CD case for a mix I made Gina, a box for all of my loose tea bags that I decorated with a black and white map of detroit, and a collage of a bunch of stickers/cut outs/memorable items that has become a sort of evolving poster that I hung in my kitchen. I've turned a bunch of old, glass kombucha bottles into containers for coffee beans, tea leaves, popcorn, and eventually other things (as I think of what to put in them). I also designed a kitchen storage shelf that will hold them as well as spices, towels, and oven mitts. I want to turn my one room upstairs into a 'studio'. I've put down this plain paper photography background over the floor and put my desk in the center of the room, but I've yet to really use that space for its purpose. I also have an idea or two for a t-shirt design. I think I'd like to try hand-screen printing, but I was using photoshop at work for the design, and the past couple weeks I've been working with Ron and have been busy every day. It's nice to be absorbed in daily work again.

- Last Friday I had my "vacation" day for the 4th of July. I drove out to my second favorite Indian restaurant, right across from the Ikea in Canton: Ashoka, and saw Public Enemies at my favorite movie theather: the Goodrich Canton 7. I had really high hopes for Public Enemies, which is probably why my reviews of it want to point out the negatives. For one, the filming they did in high-definition digital - especially the dark scenes and the interior scenes - looked bad, enough that they were distracting. I think I was expecting (read: hoping for) a visual style like Road to Perdition. Also, whereas I think Johnny Depp is a great at embodying characters to the extent that you forget that it's a regular person, in this movie I felt it was more like just Johnny Depp acting as himself being called "John Dillinger." As with anything based on actual events, I'm picky about how factual the details are. I won't give anything away, but it felt like some liberties were taken for the sake of the story.

- The new Wilco album is really great, as is the new Apostle of Hustle. Even though it's no "National Anthem of Nowhere", the concept is what really makes it. From AoH's MySpace:

"The very title "apostle of hustle eats darkness" mocks the omnipresent and utterly common advertising slogan. Do this! Be more desirable! Make others like you!? If they were selling anything, it'd be "eat darkness - you'll feel better". Not exactly, but there is an alchemical process at work here. Transformation does have its costs. You can't expect to feel better about life right away, can you? Why eating darkness? How is that supposed to help? Lets go back to the old idea of the shaman; the one who cures by ingesting the poison itself; he is the one who has been the sickest and thus has the skills to know how to travel back and forth between states. He suggests, eating darkness will be the cure of your darkness. Its very traditional. William Blake: "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". Swallowing poison usually leads to death, but not if the patient knows the art of transformation, not if they can "stomach" the bullshit & hell that is surrounding and tormenting them. This then is the process - one eats darkness & somehow is able to excrete out pure light!"

- All in all, things have been going great for me recently. I've been finding that little things that would normally really upset me with worry I've been able to shrug off or take in stride. Could just be the nice weather. Whatever the case, I'm not complaining.

odessey & oracle

I met this girl, Gina. We really like each other.

We met at a barbecue last weekend and talked until 2:00 in the morning. We exchanged numbers and met up for coffee on Tuesday. Turns out we have a lot in common. It's been a long time since I dated anyone, but she makes me comfortable enough to just be myself.

Alex and Ben came over to see my house on Saturday. It was the first time Ben saw it, and the first time for Alex since we painted a couple weeks ago. We had dinner at Bastone in Royal Oak, and came back and bar hopped around Ferndale for the night. We slept 'til past noon and had a very late breakfast at the Fly Trap before they went home on Sunday. I then went over to James' to help him pack. I gave him my May mix CD, as well as all of my mixes from 2008 to listen to on the long drive across the country. After that I called Gina and she came over and we watched the movie of Slaughter-House Five.

Today I feel overwhelmed with things to do. James ended up giving me his lawn mower, and even though I wanted to put together and use the reel mower that I bought (I had started to put it together before I helped him pack Sunday), I'm thinking I might be better off taking it back and getting the money. I spent so much this past month on stuff for the house, I'm practically broke for the first time in a while. Obama needs to hurry up and mail me my First-Time Home Buyer's Credit check. I guess with it being rainy today I don't have to worry about mowing the lawn, but when it does get nice out again, I should really do some yardwork. I'm planning to have Julie and Laura over to see my house now that Julie is back from Africa, and Nick and I are hopefully going to go out for a drink sometime this week.

less pink

Last night was my first night in my new house.

The weekend of the 9th and 10th was entirely given to refinishing the hardwood floors. The final coat of finish didn't go down until 5:00 Monday morning. At least I was able to take my parent's to Como's for a Mother's Day dinner.

Last week I helped out with some Online jobs while other Assistants had the day off. It was nice to do some of the work that had been so routine for the past year but that I had been away from since I started working with Chris. I took Thursday afternoon off to pick up paint and supplies. Friday I left work a little early and decided to paint the enclosed porch as a surprise to my parents when they showed up Saturday morning. Alex came out to help, and we were able to paint the entire living and dining room areas as well as the kitchen. I chose an olive green for the kitchen and dining room (the kitchen in a semi-gloss finish) and a matching brown for the living room. I have a flair for very saturated room colors. I really enjoy the natural look of the green and brown together: much better than the light/pink decor that the house had before I moved in...

Sunday my dad brought his truck over and we moved all of the large furniture into the house, and after they left I made several trips in my car to bring over all of the essentials so I could stay the night there.

Today I am going to paint the inside of the kitchen cabinets that we weren't able to do on Saturday, and then I can put all of the cabinet doors back. I also need to replace all of the light switch covers and hang my pictures. My best friends Alex and Ben are going to be the first friends to stay the night this upcoming weekend, so I'm hoping to have everything moved in, unpacked, and in place by then.

I'm planning to have a housewarming party in June. Hopefully, I'll be able to host the June family get together during the day, and then in the evening have friends over. I want to have as many people as possible over, so if you want to come and there are any dates in June that won't work for you, let me know. I especially want Julie and Laura to make it, but they have a lot of wedding activities in June, so there's a chance it might even get pushed back to July. I've missed Julie, and she isn't even going to be getting back from Africa until June.

change one thing...

I've said it before, and it still rings true: change one thing; change everything. Or, at least change so many things that it sure feels like everything.

So, I have the keys to the house. Last Thursday I drove to Dearborn for the closing. I got there at the same time as the seller, which was a good ten minutes before everyone else showed up. My mortgage lender walked me through everything, which was really great. I'm sure the closing agent would have done the same thing, but it was nice to have someone I knew walking me through the process. I meant to do a mental count of the number of times I signed my name, but I would guess it was around fifty. The whole process took a little over an hour, and afterward I drove straight the Ferndale city hall to register the title. The first thing I did when I got inside the house was start pulling up the carpet. Once I got down to the padding, I realized that it had been on for so long that the padding was stuck to the finish and about 1/3 of the finish had to be scraped away with the padding. My parents came over on Saturday and we removed all of the remaining carpet staples, the tack strip, and scraped away 99% of the stuck padding. As it turns out, we're going to sand the floor down to wood and refinish, which is going to take another weekend - hopefully this upcoming weekend. Once that's done, we can really get moving forward moving in furniture and painting.

As for other notable changes... I've been able to keep up reading. So far in the past month I've read four of Vonnegut's books: Bluebeard, Breakfast of Champions, Galapagos, and Slapstick. I just started on Player Piano, his first novel. I decided to completely change over my bank accounts, so now I have everything at Chase. I went to BestBank today to close my account, and I felt kind of bad doing it. They gave me all of my money in cash so I went straight to Chase to deposit it. I've also decided to grow my hair out until after I've finished moving. It's already longer than it's ever been, and I haven't completely decided if I'll cut it at the end of the month, but chances are I will.

Anyone who's interested in helping me paint/move: most of it will be taking place on May 16th and 17th. It sure can't come fast enough for me!

almost there

T-minus three days.

The time has relatively flown over the past week. Looking back I am very happy, because even being really busy this week, Thursday is going to take forever to come.

Last Monday I came home from work to find J.P. and Aaron hanging out in Julie and Laura's part of the house. I was glad to have people there, because after they left Sunday night, the house felt very lonely. Thursday at work WOMC radio came by with Tom Horton's coffee and doughnuts, as part of a promotion that one of our accounting ladies had won for us. By coincidence, one of the girls who came from WOMC was a girl I had met last fall at Trader Joe's in Royal Oak named Paula. We both recognized each other, but it took us a few minutes to place where from. After we realized, we exchanged numbers and agreed to hang out. After work Thursday I went to the Russell Industrial Center for the AIGA Design Re:View that featured some projects done by my coworkers. Afterward I went with a handful of friends from work over to the Northern Lights Lounge, but I was feeling very tired and didn't want to drink too much and drive home, so I took off around 11:00. Friday after a terribly slow day at work I drove to East Lansing to visit Ben. J.P. had invited us to go to Crunchy's where Aaron was celebrating his birthday. It was cool to see friends I met through Julie and Laura in a setting outside of our house.

On Saturday I met my parents in Commerce Township to pick up some furniture I found on craigslist. It's an entire furniture set: a couch, loveseat, and ottoman. They are a really grey olive green, and microfiber: absolutely awesome. They are exactly what I wanted for the living room at my house. That night I met up with Paula and her friend and went to Luna in Royal Oak. We had a great night dancing and getting to know each other... turns out we have an incredible amount in common. She was the first person to see my tattoo and recognize the album it's from! Sunday I went for a jog, took some bottles back, and went to Ferndale High School for VegFest. I got to sample a ton of great food, and I saw my friends Gregg and Anglea from Detroit Evolution Laboratory give a raw food demonstration. Afterward I drove out to Paula's house and we hung out for the evening, getting to know each other more. She is a really great girl, and I certainly want to spend more time with her.

Today, I started working on a campaign that James had flown to L.A. to work on for the past couple weeks, and was now being worked on here at RingSide. I have spent the day assisting Noah, an editor who lives and works in L.A. He is a really great guy who basically just brought along his laptop and set it up in an empty edit room. I think this independent, self-sufficient editing style is the kind of position I want to be in myself. We are going to be busy for the rest of the week, and even in to the weekend on this project. I have taken Thursday off to close on the house, and Sunday because of a family get-together. I am hoping, however, that with my parent's help we'll be able paint around my work schedule on Friday and Saturday, and finish up Sunday.

rediscovered motivation

I spent an unfortunately lengthy, and yet widely distributed portion of the past three or four months laboring through Sons and Lovers written by D.H. Lawrence. Similarly to how I am inspired to do so many things (through popular culture reference), I heard D.H. Lawrence's name in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and decided that I'd like to have reading one of his books as an accomplishment under my belt. While browsing the used book store at the end of my block, I noticed the plain-looking hard-covered copy of Sons and Lovers that I would spend the next three or four months carrying. This purchase coincided with a decision of mine to buy a number of books which I have had interest in reading, as well as some which I have read before and wish to claim as part of a presentable collection. I intended Sons and Lovers to be just the first in a line of novels which I would quickly absorb during the cold winter months I would be trapping myself in my apartment. As it turns out, I spent more of that time watching movies and eating popcorn than I seemed to spend with Sons and Lovers. I managed most of my page-turning on weekend mornings when I stayed in bed with a couple cups of coffee and an empty agenda for the day. Even in those idealistic conditions, however, I was only able to manage a half-hour or so of solid reading. I worried that I was losing my ability to enjoy quality time with a good book. I feel, now that I have finished, that it was only the book that was hedging my interest. I have since shifted to Kurt Vonnegut's Bluebeard and in three days have almost 200 pages behind me and a rediscovered motivation to continue reading and consequently do some writing of my own. So, this entry is serving as a sort of exercise of my literary talents. I haven't been opening the notebook I'd started in October as routinely as when I'd started, but in the weeks remaining until I start painting, carpeting, and in other ways decorating my house, I hope to indulge my creative production.

more than a month's maturing

I feel like my understanding of the concept of growing is growing. I have been trying to assimilate myself into this whirlwind of change that's taken over my life. Some things I don't really want to talk about, some things are just exhausting to talk about (namely the house stuff), and some of it I don't even think I should talk about if I wanted to. I have to admit a feeling of isolation hasn't exactly been the dominant theme of my feelings, either, as independent as I've been acting. I feel like events are coming to a head, though. It'll still be another two and a half weeks before I can officially set foot in my house, but by the time that comes I think I'll have a different kind of excitement than is gripping me now.

A sign of culmination came this past weekend when I spent some quality time at Cass Cafe with my friends Dan and Ron. It was a great thing that I was able to think about our time talking together without worrying too much beforehand about what exactly we'd talk about. I've found myself exceptionally worried about the future, which I suppose isn't the worst fear to have. My concern is that it's not allowing me to enjoy the present. So Ron and I bantered about the past and the future, thoughts and feelings, modesty and selfishness, and other enlightening topics. I reflected on the position Ron assumes as a sort of mentor to me and how I often adopt the same role towards my friends. It was that morning at the end of a yoga practice that I cried when Gregg, our teacher, asked us to thank ourselves. I realized the trouble I had been having with self-appreciation.

My first major job working with Chris is winding down. It allowed me a nice, long, relaxing weekend. Friday I met up with some friends from work down in Detroit for the Opening Day festivities. I started at Nemo's with Heather and Scott, and followed them to the Detroit Beer Company where I ran into J.P., Rambo and John (who I met through Laura and Julie), Chad, who was out with a ton of his friends, and James and Rob who came out after I told James where we were. Darren joined us, and him, James and I went to Centaur before meeting back up with Rob and having dinner at Oslo. (EDIT: I ran into Mike, the Creative Director we'd been working with the previous couple weeks at Centaur. I didn't mention him because I was afraid he'd read this and I'd be embarrassed to have mentioned him - turns out he did read this and called me out for not mentioning him!) Afterward we all drove back up to Ferndale and went to the Loving Touch. There we ran into Jason, one of our clients, and his wife (who was really cool!) I made my way home around eleven, after about twelve hours of drinking. The next day I felt terrible (mainly because of all the smoke I had breathed into my body), and reflected on the fact that I had only paid for half of the ten drinks I had. In the afternoon I went to the Mayflower Bookshop in Berkley and found an amazing Buddha statue making the two mudrās I had really wanted to find (the right hand held up to shoulder-height with the palm open forwards: a symbol of protection, and the left hand on the knee with the palm open upwards: a symbol of charity and compassion.) It will have a special place in my house once I have finished decorating.

Sunday I relaxed until Julie and Laura returned from Coldwater, where they had been staying with their family, and we spent some time hanging around outside. I started reading Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, and am really enjoying it. After a few hours of reading Sunday I am already 1/5 the way though it. I celebrated Easter by watching Dogma Sunday night, and I realized that it is one of my all-time favorite movies, not only from a production standpoint, but also for it's great story and message.

Today one of our major clients had a holiday, so we weren't very busy. Chris went home early, so I'm just watching the Tigers try to rally from four runs down. I got into a fantasy baseball league with some of the guys at work, and I can already tell that it will make this season more interesting.

house inspection

This Sunday I had my house inspected. The guy who did it was really great, and we spent over three hours going over everything. The best part is there are very few things that need fixing. The garage isn't in the best shape, but there is virtually no structural damage to the house. All in all it was a very satisfying inspection. I took along my parent's digital camera, so allow me to take you on the first tour of my house...





inside the front door to the right is the living room/dining room








with hardwood floors underneath!


to the left is the kitchen:






also on the ground floor is a bathroom, two bedrooms, and a sun room:














upstairs is one large room:




and it has a finished basement:

it's been a long, cold, lonely winter

So much has happened to me in the past few weeks. What makes me happy is that I have been able to accept this change very positively and maintain the momentum.

First of all, Cody and some other people at work convinced me that seriously looking to buy a house was a very smart thing to do. I started by researching available properties online, finding a Realtor and talking to a mortgage lender and getting pre-approved and finding out what price range I should be looking in. I looked at a small handful of houses, and there was one I really liked. My Realtor found out that there had been low offers made on the house, but the seller wasn't going to accept anything less than asking. The price was at the high-end of what I was hoping to spend, but I understand that this house will have a higher potential to regain value than something on the low-end of what I wanted to spend. So, I made an offer on the house, and the next day I found out that it had been accepted. I was in so much shock that I told practically everyone just so I could help it sink in. I have an inspection scheduled for this Sunday, and I won't close until the end of April. I will still have my current apartment until the end of May, so that gives me a month overlap during which I am going to look into painting, recarpeting, and maybe refinishing the hardwood floors under the carpet in the dining room and living room. The house is definitely very large... 1200 square feet - not including the finished basement. It has a large upstairs, and two bedrooms downstairs, one that walks through to a sunroom at the back of the house. It is located on the west side of Ferndale on Beaufield St., just off of Nine Mile. I am going to wait and post pictures until I take my own this weekend.

Second, and what helped me decide that looking for a house was really a smart thing to do... my job has changed around a bit. Essentially, I am now going to be exclusively assisting Chris - our head Creative Editor - the guy who founded the RingSide Creative name when he moved to Detroit. I am still going to have other duties on the side, but Chris only has one assistant, and his old Assistant, Byron, is going to be editing on his own now. With this comes a lot of responsibility - Chris's jobs are generally high-budget and with important clients. It also means that I will be getting a lot of hours. Every hour over 80 that we bill for a month we get premium pay for, and every hour over 120 we get even more prenium pay for. There are still three work days left in March, and I am already over 120.

As quickly as March went by, I hope April goes by just as fast. As long as I get to enjoy the good things.

warmer days ahead

To those concerned, I have been feeling a lot better since my last post. I decided to leave a space heater on in the room at the front of my house, with a wide, uncurtained window facing the street. This past weekend I woke up to sun shine, made some coffee, and read for an hour. Afterward I cleaned my apartment (vacuumed and all) and watched Harold And Maude with Julie. It was a perfect day of setting myself a simple to-do list and feeling really accomplished. That night, Julie, Laura and I had a "potluck". I made a teriyaki vegetable stirfry, Julie made a quiche, and Laura made a dish of baked rice and squash with almonds and feta cheese; it made for an amazing dinner. Sunday I went to a Yin yoga class with Cori. The concept of Yin yoga is holding poses for a lengthy amount of time (about five minutes.) When doing this, you attempt to relax your body into stillness and prevent yourself from making the kinds of constant adjustements that I am all too prone to doing. The whole idea of meditation through stasis is fascinating to me, and it is a practice I would like to continue. The rest of my weekend I spent relaxing and watching movies.

This week has been slow again. Tanya called in sick on Monday, and Jerome told me that he was going to be leaving RingSide and offered to impart some of his knowledge to me. On Tuesday I talked with Cody about my goals and aspirations for the future, and it made me feel optimistic. All in all, it coincided wonderfully with my learning how to realax for a weekend and feeling more confident in myself. I am even learning to have a better self-image... but I feel that it will have to come last.

This Saturday is my dad's birthday, and I am meeting my parents for lunch Saturday at Benihana. We're then going to my aunt's so I can use their TurboTax software. After that, I'll be looking forward to another sunny Sunday relaxing and composing my monthly mix CD for March.

alienation and exhaustion

It's strange how last week I was feeling really great, and now two days of not being booked on anything and I'm feeling really depressed.

I billed almost 40 hours last week, and had an easy time getting to sleep at night. We had a company meeting Tuesday to discuss the re-branding of RingSide Creative as an "Integrated Media Studio™". It made me feel very optimistic about my future at this company. I've found myself fairly ignorant about the troubles with our economy. I just don't want to feel like I'm relying on my luck holding out. Often this suppressed paranoia motivates me to do more, but sometimes it just stresses me to the point of fatigue. At the end of the day Friday I left promptly at 5:30 to drive out to Ann Arbor to have dinner with Alex, Kenny, and Kyle for Kenny's birthday. After the stressful yet productive week I had, I really needed a drink. Dinner was great, we spent a few hours talking about nerdy stuff while waiting for the time to drive over the mall and catch a movie. We saw Yes Man, which was a lot better than I had anticipated. Of course, the main idea was all about a guy learning to say "yes"... and then learning when to say "no", but I appreciated it's focus on opening yourself to opportunities. After the movie we drove to Kenny's place and went around Ypsi trying to find a bar, but they were all either full or uninviting, so we called it a night.

Saturday I woke up to a couple of inches of snow. My mom had been nice enough to clean off my car, and I made it to Michigan Productions only a couple minutes late. While we were setting up, I noticed one of the girls who was helping with the student-run webcast. When I went down to grab a bagel, I noticed her again and struck up conversation. After the lecture, I asked her name and whether I would see her again at the next lecture, and she said 'yeah'. I told her to have a good spring break, and the next time I see her, I'm thinking of asking her out for coffee, if she doesn't have a boyfriend.

Since then, things have been kind of downhill. I came back to my parents to a houseful of relatives. We were having lunch to celebrate my dad's and two of my aunt's birthdays. I felt a lot of awkwardness that, to me, feels like resentment from my relatives because I've lost a lot of weight and, for my age, have a successful career. Maybe this is more of my own paranoia taking hold, but it's a feeling that I can't deny and feel constantly, not only from family. Regardless... I tried to maintain a casual attitude about the kinds of issues they were discussing that I felt they were worrying too much over. I tried to express to my mom how uninviting it is to have the host fretting the entire time. I also faced some snide questions from my uncles. I just don't feel the family support I think I should have. After everyone left I played dominoes with my parents, and like I knew he would, my dad wanted to drink some wine. I cheerfully agreed, but with the kind of tension that always seems to build between us, drinking just made us bicker even more. I'm really kind of angry with my dad for how he's become. He is ridiculously lazy, evidenced by his startling weight gain and unhealthy sleep patterns. All he seems to do is play computer games, watch movies, and record a multitude of VHS tapes from the DVR. I'm sure he thinks he's being productive, but he's not. He even tries to give me some of his tapes to watch, and I refuse to encourage this habit he's gotten himself into. I haven't had the courage yet to tell him how detrimental I think his lifestyle has become. And it doesn't help that my mom has no idea how to confront him. While she agrees with my thoughts about his decisions, she defends him every time I try to side against him. Not to mention I feel that she has her own self-esteem problems; the kind that I usually fall victim to myself, but have come to realize as weakness that I want to help her overcome. Every time I try to show her how fruitless and damaging her timidity and apprehension is, it only seems to reinforce it.

I drove home Saturday night, and Sunday I didn't do very much. The most productive thing I did was read for a good hour or so (I'm in the middle of "Sons and Lovers" by D.H. Lawrence.) I also watched Instrument, the Fugazi documentary, and rediscovered why I liked them so much.

When I came to work Monday, I just didn't feel very well. It was a hard to explain feeling, and it's still with me to an extent. I can only define it as a feeling of depression... I'm not motivated to do anything productive, and yet I need something to keep me busy. It's a dangerous catch-22, especially because a lot of people around the building are staying busy, and I feel like I'm falling behind. It doesn't help that I set myself up to operate without anyone's help, because when I can appreciate companionship I don't have any friends around. Today is going better... I feel I am becoming aware of my problem. Writing about it seems to help. I have to learn to slow down but remain in motion. I try to do the very best at everything, and I have to learn that is not possible. I have to learn to take time for myself, and to do that I have to learn what it is I really need. I am still working on that last part. At least I know the kinds of things that are not helping me. I still have a long way to go.

cue "Help!" by the Beatles

not always older than my age

I ordered a yoga mat last week, and only today while gathering the shipping info did I realize that it's not as long as I wanted it to be. I mean, the only reason I bought my own was because I wanted one that my feet wouldn't hang off of. I'm a little frustrated with my haste.

Regardless, it will still get a lot of use as I've been practicing at least once a week. My neighbor and virtual-older sister Cori introduced me to the Namaste studio in Royal Oak, and in particular their Thursday night class. I first went on my own, and struck up an acquaintanceship with the teacher, Lindsay. We've even become friends on Facebook, and I invited her to have coffee when our schedules allow. She seems like a nice and interesting person, but it's difficult to establish a friendship with someone who I've only met at the yoga studio.

I also rearranged the furniture of my apartment. I moved the bed into the room at the front of the house, and the futon and television into what used to be the bedroom. Not only will this offer a bedroom better connected with the air outside my window, and more condusive to sleep and creative inspiration (ie. writing, drawing), but there is a surreal element to having a shower and sink in the same room as the television.

Work was really engaging last week. I assisted Tanya for the first half of the week on some Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge commercials relating to the Auto Show. We finished 14 spots by Wednesday, and though I haven't personally seen them on television, I imagine they'll be getting a lot of airtime before the end of the month.

On Thursday morning my car wouldn't start, but Julie let me borrow her's which allowed me to drive to work and to come back home during lunch and have my car towed down to the mechanic's. I got it back the next day, and had to have the remote start removed and the battery replaced. All in all, it could have been worse. I hadn't had any other major problems with the car, and hopefully won't experience more.

I drove out to my parent's Sunday night for dinner and to play dominoes with my aunt and uncle who were visiting. I woke up even earlier than usual on MLK day; while I had a vacation day from RingSide, I opted to do some freelance work with Michigan Productions. Our shoot went until 1:00, and afterwards I had lunch at Raja Rani (my favorite Indian restaurant.) My parents had never tried Indian food before, and they didn't like how spicy it was. I am glad they tried it, but I don't think we'll be going there again anytime soon.

This week is going to be busy. Today was taken up by all of the inauguration proceedings. Tomorrow is the monthly free movie in Eastern Market, as well as the season premiere of Lost. Thursday is RingSide's monthly bar night at The Loving Touch in Ferndale, and we're going to have the Silent Years play, who I've never heard but have been told are good. Saturday Ben and Brad will hopefully be coming out to go to the Auto Show, and Sunday I'm thinking of going to Cass Cafe for a benefit for the CAID.

what a new year means to me

2008 was not a year of anything specific. I am very aware of how everyone had a different year than anyone else. If I had to try and succinctly define my year, I would say it was a year of being wrong. My expectations were frequently faced with opposition. I learned hard lessons about communication, trust, and needs. Not to say that 2008 culminated in the resolution of these problems (I still have a lot to learn), but with a convenient benchmark in this new year, I have been reflecting on who I have been and how it isn't who I want to be anymore.

For me, the changing of calendars is more than a simple adjustment. With my birthday so early in January, my personal maturation is prominent even with everyone reflecting on their yearly growth. Not that I'm trying to come up with some excuse, but I am feeling an honest self-awareness that is prompting some refocused introspection. I have been misguidedly selfish; as with my generosity. I think I need to see the forest for the trees, if you know what I mean.

To put it simply, I know now that I have been trying too hard. I'm missing the point of my own tattoo. I had love twice, and for the feelings it never brought me, the wonders and joys have had me seeing it in friendship, lust, and desperation. Perhaps the only person I have not loved has been myself. And so I lash out at my parents, fall to timidity, and seek answers in style and state of mind. Really, form should follow function. So, let me put it this way:

Fuck all y'all.

Thinking too hard. Not thinking enough. This isn't about definition, or a simple solution. I am always overwhelmed. But, I can choose when and where and how to exert myself, and maybe that burden will begin to lift. Sure, idle hands to do the devil's work, but weary hands do no work at all. Some focused determination has made me an Assistant Editor, but the thin line I've been walking will not get me any further. It's high time I learned some real patience. "Calendars and crosshairs; for the earth spins ceaselessly"; what's the rush if I'm arriving unprepared? I am not turning myself around, there is still a lot of me that I like. I'd like for other people to like me as well. First, I've got to be someone. Someone. Myself.


(P.S. Best New Years party ever! Thank you Julie and Laura.)