2008 was not a year of anything specific. I am very aware of how everyone had a different year than anyone else. If I had to try and succinctly define my year, I would say it was a year of being wrong. My expectations were frequently faced with opposition. I learned hard lessons about communication, trust, and needs. Not to say that 2008 culminated in the resolution of these problems (I still have a lot to learn), but with a convenient benchmark in this new year, I have been reflecting on who I have been and how it isn't who I want to be anymore.
For me, the changing of calendars is more than a simple adjustment. With my birthday so early in January, my personal maturation is prominent even with everyone reflecting on their yearly growth. Not that I'm trying to come up with some excuse, but I am feeling an honest self-awareness that is prompting some refocused introspection. I have been misguidedly selfish; as with my generosity. I think I need to see the forest for the trees, if you know what I mean.
To put it simply, I know now that I have been trying too hard. I'm missing the point of my own tattoo. I had love twice, and for the feelings it never brought me, the wonders and joys have had me seeing it in friendship, lust, and desperation. Perhaps the only person I have not loved has been myself. And so I lash out at my parents, fall to timidity, and seek answers in style and state of mind. Really, form should follow function. So, let me put it this way:
Fuck all y'all.
Thinking too hard. Not thinking enough. This isn't about definition, or a simple solution. I am always overwhelmed. But, I can choose when and where and how to exert myself, and maybe that burden will begin to lift. Sure, idle hands to do the devil's work, but weary hands do no work at all. Some focused determination has made me an Assistant Editor, but the thin line I've been walking will not get me any further. It's high time I learned some real patience. "Calendars and crosshairs; for the earth spins ceaselessly"; what's the rush if I'm arriving unprepared? I am not turning myself around, there is still a lot of me that I like. I'd like for other people to like me as well. First, I've got to be someone. Someone. Myself.
(P.S. Best New Years party ever! Thank you Julie and Laura.)
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