I've been far removed from my own happiness. Like an ignorant dog so coaxed from its home by the faulty promise of a juicy streak. It was only a mirage - the impression of pleasure in my mind - that I had stumbled upon a solution to my life's great mystery. (Well, I've never liked steaks.) Now I see so plainly how the constant questioning did not truly seek answers as much as it exposed the underlying issue. My happiness belongs to no one. Certainly to no one unwilling to ask my opinion; to share time and space, the fundamentals of a stable relationship. The weight does not come from a touch on the thigh or a planned evening on the horizon. The true foundation is built with calm understanding of thoughts and desires. We are all so generously allowed our own opinions. It is nothing like selfish to be yourself. No peace of mind would ever come from lying to someone, when their interests turn your stomach on end and fill you with an uneasiness akin to shaking your enemy's hand.
That is not to say that no pleasure can be found in a quickening heart and a rush of feeling on the skin. It is a different kind of happiness. I unexpectedly learned how to separate the momentary, the fleeting, from love. Like pieces from different puzzles I then tried to jam them together and pass the resulting hybrid off as pure. It did me so much harm that I am wandering lost in returning it to its rightful place, only after the devoted attachment of the soul. To think I believed any other way would bring me peace of mind. Relief only begins to explain the feeling of being in control of that again! If anything ever came close to regret in my heart, in my past, it would be my own false fidelity.
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