to sustain my crazy

Rooted so fully in sustainability. Why shouldn't I want to keep this going? This pilgrimage to lands of my dreams with a slow deep breath and a welling in my heart of joy and expression. The swirl of colors from our dancing and the melodies that bleed into Sunday afternoons as I drink in the noise around me. Shifting in your seat at my side questions a comfort I have been sculpting so carefully, and I watch in fear at this house of cards breathed down, tumbling to my feet. True, I build these silly visions with a romantic eye and a longing for something more. Will I ever sigh so humbly at everything you've given me? or sulk soundly in my obstinacy. "Please please please let me get what I want". "If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything". "I want you".

We stand so close, and my mind traces itself around your face. I lose my grip on sustainability, and want to explode myself from devotion. I feel that everything I've been looking for could be found in your eyes and your hair; the bangs you've denounced with such fervor, as your opinions always stand like pillars in concrete. You are quick to dismiss my lunacy, but I do not wish to be rescued from this drowning. I would rather sink than swim in contentment, and let it kill me. Maybe I will come to second life in a even-keeled affection where we are never crazy, never foolish. Not now.

working on the weekend

Yesterday I bought tickets for Sarah and I to see Spoon at the Royal Oak Music Theatre on March 30th. I already took the day after off, and if there's any kind of lull in our schedule at RingSide, I am seriously considering taking that whole week off. So far, January has been my busiest month ever at RingSide (and it's not even over yet.) Just last week I worked 10 hours on Sunday, 12 on MLK Day, and 13 Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. We're working on Saturday right now, and I might be working again tomorrow. On the bright side, this is going to amount to some awesome overtime pay.

A couple weeks ago Alex moved into the upstairs of my house. He had the great idea of tearing up the carpet to see what the hardwood floors underneath look like. I was afraid after the pain in the ass it was to refinish the floors downstairs, but fortunately upstairs the wood was in amazing shape, with a newer, better padding that came right off. I really enjoy having someone else in my house. Sarah has been spending the night and staying there as well after I leave for work. Since I've barely been at home, it's good that it's being lived in.

I've been overwhelming myself with new music recently. Alex gave me six albums that he got from his friend, I've downloaded almost the entire Guided By Voices discography, plus tons of stuff from Built To Spill, Pavement, Quasi, and Echo & The Bunnymen (all recommendations from Sarah.)

All in all, things are awesome right now.

I have no problem with the PBR can on my porch

I have no problem with the PBR can on my porch. It is perched on a window ledge staring out at the morning on my street; the neighbor's cars and the week old snow. Sarah must have left it there when she went onto the porch to smoke last night. I am now imagining her standing there, clutching her shoulders to keep warm as she drags on her cigarette before blowing out the screen door. As I stand next to the coffee pot hissing the day awake, I am lost in the thought of her comfortable and cold at 2:00 AM. My mind settles into a happiness that tells me nothing can bring me down today.

Ray's list for 2009

10. Engineers - Three Fact Fader

Heavily effected guitars give Engineers a very electronic-driven feel. Entrenching, wall-of-sound melodies and soft-sung poetic, vocals make for an album that is ambient and powerful at the same time.

9. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

Compare and contrast this to Wilco's older work all you want, it's still pretty good. Solid pop rock songs with a little less spastic guitar than on previous albums - but it's still there. Some straight-forward sentimental messages seem to be a deviation from previous work (excluding "I'm the man who loves you", of course.) Although, maybe I'm not as diehard about Wilco's older work. I'm certainly not against where the band is going.

8. A.C. Newman - Get Guilty

When I heard this album was coming out, I expected it would end up very high on my list. I was a huge fan of the quiet energy on his first album "The Slow Wonder". "Get Guilty", however, seems too... loud. Maybe it's a sign of being booked at bigger venues, but the style of this album is very anthemic, and at home on a large stage. And if that's the case, then all the more power to Mr. Newman for doing what he wants to well - I'd rather he turned down the shouts and crashing symbols.

7. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

The ladies in Camera Obscura have always made glowing, enjoyable melodies. This album is solid from start to finish. I noticed more strings and horns than on previous works, and they only add to the warmth of their already cheery songs.

6. Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care

I have followed these guys ever since I saw them open for Caribou a couple years ago. Each of their albums seem to focus on different energies within the electronic music genre. On "Begone Dull Care" there is an 8-bit influence not present on their previous work that combines nicely with whispered vocals, but also draws out a new, more punctual singing style on some songs.

5. Au Revoir Simone - Still Night, Still Light

For as underwhelmed as I've been with Au Revoir Simone in the past, this album really surprised me. With drum machine rhythms and catchy keyboard chords, the wonderfully haunting vocals are able to soar. Another album that is consistent all the way through.

4. Asobi Seksu - Hush

For those who think shoegaze died with My Bloody Valentine, Asobi Seksu puts out an array of sounds on one exceptional album. From more straight-forward, muted indie rock to dreamy, radiant songs, the singer shines at all ranges, reaching to light and airy at times. This is the kind of album that you have to appreciate for all it's able to accomplish.

3. Reverie Sound Revue - Reverie Sound Revue

I waited for this album longer than I've ever waited for an album. After being blown away by their EP that I heard in 2006, I have been raving to my friends about the vocal talents of Lisa Lobsinger and RSR's amazingly catchy, simple rhythms. Now they have an LP under their belt, and what keeps this from being number one or two on my list is how they've slowed things down on a few songs. While it still nicely compliments Lisa's beautiful voice, I prefer when the band really rocks out (which they still do occasionally.)

2. Apostle Of Hustle - Eats Darkness

In my opinion, the champions of uniqueness in indie rock, Andrew Whiteman's Apostle of Hustle have turned out another gem of an album. Sure, when you take out the quirky interludes you're only left with seven real songs, but each one of them is fantastic. I am still enamored with the promotional write-up on AoH's MySpace. "swallowing poison usually leads to death, but not if the patient knows the art of transformation, not if they can "stomach" the bullshit & hell that is surrounding and tormenting them. this then is the process - one eats darkness & somehow is able to excrete out pure light!"

1. Halloween, Alaska - Champagne Downtown

One of the first albums I bought in a long time, for me this album was about realizing what I really loved in music. From the incredibly poetic (and even chilling) lyrics, to the moody, mellow parts, and even some experimentalism (self-censoring?). Not only that, but it cemented Halloween, Alaska as one of my all-time favorite bands.

January's stars

Happy Twenty-Ten everyone!

My holiday season was fantastic. I took my parent's to see a live production of A Christmas Carol at Meadowbrook Theatre. It was so great, I was touched emotionally... and it really put me in the Christmas spirit. Two nights before Christmas I was staying late on my last night of work for 2009 when James tweets @ me and it turns out he's in town for the holidays and hanging out in Ferndale with our friend Matt. I get home, pick up Sarah, and we all hang out at the Emory for a while. Afterward Sarah and I then went to Alana's house for Craft Night, and finally we stopped by Laura, JP, Aaron, and Rachel's new house down the street from me. Unfortunately we got there very late, and couldn't stay very long. Christmas Eve Sarah's Aunt and Uncle had an open house Christmas party at their house where Sarah and I exchanged gifts.

Christmas morning I woke up and watched Twin Peaks before my parents came over. I set up a playlist of indie bands covering Christmas songs, and once my Aunt and Uncle came over we played a game of Risk and later Sarah came over and we played some cards before having chicken noodle soup and sandwiches for dinner. That night I drove out to my parent's house where we had our gift exchange and so I could spend the night. The following morning we went to my other Aunt's house for my Mom's side of the family's Christmas. We had a delicious turkey lunch, my cousin and I exchanged gifts, and we had the traditional gift card exchange.

The next day, Sarah and I left on an unplanned roadtrip.

Our original rules were to take turns deciding whether to turn left or right at the next intersection. We also agreed that either of us could suggest a destination, and all turn-taking would cease until our destination was reached.

We started by driving through Detroit and taking pictures of funny signs (ie. "live human hair".) After a couple hours we decided to make it to Chicago. First we visited Sarah's friend Shannon and her girlfriend, and then checked into a hostel for the night. It was really cool to stay in a hostel... it had a very on-the-go, backpacker feel to it. After checking in we walked down the block to Galway Arms, a really cool Irish pub where we had dinner and then went across the street to a tiny little sports bar before crashing. The next morning we drove South through Indiana - getting lost on some dangerous country roads - and stayed the night in the picturesque town of Batesville.

Tuesday we drove through Cincinnati and continued South through Lexington before heading East. We drove the very scenic I-79, ran out of gas in the middle of the mountains, and stopped off in Burnsville before settling on a motel in Bridgeport. After checking in we went to the local mall and saw Sherlock Holmes. I really enjoyed it, and it made me want to read the books.

Wednesday we decided to make it to Baltimore, but first we visited the tiny suburb of... Ferndale! It was a lot different from the Ferndale we live in. We stopped at the Ferndale Tavern where there were half a dozen older guys drinking away. After our first drink, the owner bought everyone a round and the bartender gave us both drink tokens that say "Ferndale Tavern." I asked her kindly if we could pay for our next drinks and keep the tokens, and she let us keep them anyway. After that we drove into Baltimore itself and visited Edgar Allan Poe's original grave site. It was located in a cemetery around Westminster Hall, and though it was dark when we got there, the gate was open so we walked in. We went around to the back of the building where Poe's grave was, and when we came back to the entrance, the gate had been locked. Sarah called the Baltimore police and the officer who came was very apologetic about our being locked in. We then drove around and ended up on the South side of town, and randomly decided on Magerk's pub for dinner. We then stopped at Metropolitan for some coffee (it seemed like a really sweet place to go back to and have drinks) and got back on the road. I was feeling very energized so we ended up driving another three hours and made it almost to Pittsburgh.

Thursday morning we drove to Cleveland and stopped by Great Lakes Brewing Co. so I could add one of their growlers to my collection. We made it back home a little after dark, and we ended up celebrating New Year's at her Aunt and Uncle's.

I spent Sunday readjusting. I took down all of the Christmas decorations and cleaned up the upstairs room of my house because Alex is planning to move in with me sometime later this month. Now it's back to work as usual.

I'll say again what I've been saying for months: we need to skip February next year. I'm just glad that I have more heat in my house than I did in my last apartment... though I'm not looking forward to the gas bills.

The best cryptic metaphor I can think of for describing my life recently is that I am at the top or the bottom of a mountain. I can't figure out if I am looking up or down at it, but I know it's in front of me. I feel that I must either let go and jump off or gather my strength and start the climb - or both. I know that this is a good thing - it is what I have sought. It is just overwhelming.

I am noticing how my body adjusts to the cold. I feel constricted. It makes me want it to be spring even more. I am doing my best to respect the cycle of the seasons, and adjust or find other ways to fill myself with warmth.

For Thanksgiving, I got up early and went for my annual jog. This year I did it through the neighborhood around my house - where I will be for at least a few years to come. I then drove out to my parent's. I had some great time with them and around 5:00 my aunts and uncles started showing up and by 6:00 we had dinner. I kept trying to get my mom to take off her apron and join us at the table. I embraced another holiday tradition and went out shopping on "Black Friday". My parent's decided they wanted an High-Definition TV, so I went to Meijer at 3:00 AM and waited in line to buy a 42 inch LCD for only $500. I also got them a Blu-Ray player, and came home and set everything up. After taking a nap I went to the mall with Alex for a bit, and then decided to just drive home that night.

Over the course of November, I developed an infatuation with my friend, Sarah. It took me some time to realize how I really felt towards her, but suffice it to say we are now spending a majority of our free time together.

At work, we've been doing full days since mid-November on a large package of spots that will take us through 'til the holiday break. We were also given the week between Christmas and New Year's off. I'm thinking of taking a road trip.

I was really anxious to take care of my holiday preparation. I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping before December by way of local craft fairs and amazon.com. The other week I hung some lights along the front of my house. This Monday I made my own cards to mail to family and Tuesday I took care of all my gift wrapping. Now all I have to do is enjoy the holiday season.

Mr. November

I knew October was going to fly by, with all of the change of the season activities... I was feeling overwhelmed towards the end.

My two big house-held events went great: the Eat So They Can potluck on the 17th, and the Devil's Night party on the 30th. I raised the $500 minimum requirement to be eligible for a trip to Africa to help distribute the money raised. Of course, I also had a bunch of friends and neighbors over and shared some delicious food. Afterward I hung out with Ben for a few hours and had great conversation.

The next day, I decided to take a long walk. I had somewhat of a revelation along the way. I realized that all of the emphasis I had put on other people motivating me to be the way I should be was really just myself feeling inspired to bring out the part of me that I admired in others and hadn't yet realized in myself.

The following weekend Alex came over and the two of us went to the Harvest Beer Festival in Eastern Market. It was much colder than I had dressed for, but that only prompted me to drink more. We made it home, watched a movie, then went to Qdoba for dinner before driving out to Rochester for my friend Cori's Halloween party. The people there were a lot older than Alex and I, but we hung around for a while before driving back to Royal Oak and hanging out with Ben, Liz, Dan, and Stephanie.

That weekend was at the center of a really intense project that Chris and I worked on that resulted in seven long workdays (some of them 12+ hour) and an additional eight hours on Sunday. At least it will make for a nice paycheck in a couple weeks.

October ended with an enjoyable Halloween. Friday I had my Devil's Night party, and had a great turnout. Considering, I had fairly minimal clean up the following day (plus $8.00 in can returns!) I had intended to take it easy on Halloween day, but Ben, Liz, and Adam (who was in town for mine and another party) convinced me to go to this other party with them. So, Halloween Day I spent hanging out with Ben and Adam while Liz had to work. Afterward we drove out to Rochester for this party. It was in a townhouse that was near the Oakland University campus. A lot of college kids... none of whom I knew. It was definitely a well-thrown party, but the atmosphere was a little too "frat house", and we were all happy to leave after a couple hours.

This week, I started on a company-wide project to produce a documentary. I've spent the past couple days capturing hours and hours of footage that we've collected and logging the shots. Over the next few months we'll continue to scan the already-loaded footage and try and form a cohesive story.

I am going to do my best to relax and enjoy the upcoming holiday season. I've already got a surprise present idea for my parents, and am glad to have new windows in my house. I want to try grow a full-on beard for the first time. I also got myself the coolest winter hat I've ever owned. This winter won't be quite as cold as the last one.