Another day of lapsing judgements. Another day of different intentions. Another moment of music making memories of ideas I didn't pen, or kept as secrets on my bedroom shelf. I am angry with the thoughts I keep from her, and it is difficult and wrong to shoot their arrows at her when she offers me so much with her company. But I need guidance to get me through, and more than anything she is my closest friend. I am finding footholds where my own well-being wins for once. Some faces I call friends, some enemies, and some don't answer the phone.
It's always better looking back. Now I have an unintended chapter: Winter, 2010, that my heart turns to for proof.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
stacking your own deck
The tower of cards is collapsed. I see myself smiling in the rubble. Hearts and spades at my sides.
I pick through the debris around me. All that I have been or meant to be made of, now disconnected. One slip sitting next to me catches my eye, and I raise it to catch the sunlight. Patience: enjoying the here and the now, and not mourning what you miss. Time so often taunts me with its passing. When did an afternoon with a book become boring? and when did boring become evil? In the paper pieces I see too many tiers of over-exertion and disenchantment. This is not all me; so much is just faces and numbers. Now is another opportunity to replace my priorities. I know the wind will blow again of change and test me to trust in who I am. I reach for more building material: The folly of being everyone's friend. The fear for fitting in. The jealously and comfort of following in someone's footsteps. This is not my card.
I pick through the debris around me. All that I have been or meant to be made of, now disconnected. One slip sitting next to me catches my eye, and I raise it to catch the sunlight. Patience: enjoying the here and the now, and not mourning what you miss. Time so often taunts me with its passing. When did an afternoon with a book become boring? and when did boring become evil? In the paper pieces I see too many tiers of over-exertion and disenchantment. This is not all me; so much is just faces and numbers. Now is another opportunity to replace my priorities. I know the wind will blow again of change and test me to trust in who I am. I reach for more building material: The folly of being everyone's friend. The fear for fitting in. The jealously and comfort of following in someone's footsteps. This is not my card.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
everyone has defined everything in every way
Everyone has defined everything in every way. Look hard enough and you can find the words you want to hear. It is possible and dangerous to make your favorite songs seem relevant. You're only fooling yourself that you are incapable of making your own meaning. We can all wield a special kind of self-focus that generously shares with the world what we're thinking. We are all poets, and every moment is another chance to stand by what we really feel. Open up your heart: you will not be afraid of what you find.
Monday, April 19, 2010
the sun is out
To the sound of a CD starting in my alarm clock at the foot of my bed, my day begins. Eyes half closed and clutching the blankets, I reach over my head to pull the shade and see what the sky has to say. Sometimes it's grey, a bleak half-brightness that turns me under the sheets for five more eyes-closed minutes. And sometimes it's sun and warmth, drawing me up and out and on with life. I am ready to move; I am ready to breathe the air outside. Times like these of such unassumed energy, I want to thank the World for something magical I've been awarded. But maybe it was me all along, who knew this heat and happiness. Maybe I made it, and could honor myself and the sun. Maybe a quiet pride would be okay.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
scars to prove it
If this could not fall to bad timing, or our own malfunctions, wouldn't that be the proper ends? For all my careful planning, I cannot see past my own misplaced musings. Even these reassuring thoughts are surely over-saturation, when patience must mean moving on. Her constant influence has always been surprise. Still she shakes me with so much sense to trump my emotional enchantment. Maybe writing this down will tell me that I am in no place to make my claims. I am as fucked in the head as the rest of us.
Monday, April 5, 2010
life after vacation
Last week I took my first non-Christmastime vacation from RingSide. I had accrued so many vacation hours that if I didn't take time off when I did, I was going to stop earning more. It just goes to show how long overdue it was. My plans were simple: stay home and do nothing.
Of course it couldn't be completely nothing, but I definitely succeeded in relaxing and relieving myself of obligations. The biggest event of the entire week was seeing Spoon at the Royal Oak Music theater on Tuesday. Sarah was supposed to go with me, but broke her kneecap and was stuck in the hospital. I went on my own and tried to enjoy the show without her. More than half of the setlist was non-Transference, and I even took out my phone and noted the songs they played. I intended to burn a CD of all the songs, but with the encore their show was almost an hour and a half!
Wednesday I donated blood for the first time since I got my tattoo. I talked to one of the ladies about moving to Ferndale for my work, and how it distracted me from giving blood regularly like I used to. She told me about the health benefits of getting rid of old blood so your body can replenish it with new, and that made a lot of sense to me. Thursday the Ferndale Bike Club had a pre-season ride in the evening. As the Junior Ambassador, I am getting better at striking up conversation with strangers and not being so afraid of what they think of me. We rode for an hour or so around the Ferndale/Oak Park neighborhood, had dinner at the Emory and afterwards went to Liz's where we put together a calendar of rides with specific dates. Friday I went to Somerset and bought myself a new sweatshirt that I'm going to stencil with the Bike Club logo and at night went with my friend Cori and her friend to Cliff Bell's to see some live jazz. There was a great trio that plays the first Friday of every month, and they had a lady join them to sing on some songs. She sang three Frank Sinatra covers, and that was pretty cool. Saturday Alex and I drove out west to stay at our parent's for the weekend. Beforehand we went to Briarwood and hung out for a while before Kenny got off work and then hung out with him at his apartment. We met up with Ben later that night after the MSU game and played pool at Sticks in Depot Town.
Sunday my mom cooked Easter dinner and my Dad's sister and her husband and my Mom's sister came over. After eating we played dominoes for a few hours. Alex decided to stay at his parent's an extra night so I came home and ended my vacation with a walk around the neighborhood and managed to get to sleep by 1:00.
Today was a pretty great first day back. I can tell that having time off did me a lot of good... and, seeing as we had Good Friday off anyway, I used one less vacation day than I thought I was going to. I'm thinking of doing another week off again sometime this year.
Of course it couldn't be completely nothing, but I definitely succeeded in relaxing and relieving myself of obligations. The biggest event of the entire week was seeing Spoon at the Royal Oak Music theater on Tuesday. Sarah was supposed to go with me, but broke her kneecap and was stuck in the hospital. I went on my own and tried to enjoy the show without her. More than half of the setlist was non-Transference, and I even took out my phone and noted the songs they played. I intended to burn a CD of all the songs, but with the encore their show was almost an hour and a half!
Wednesday I donated blood for the first time since I got my tattoo. I talked to one of the ladies about moving to Ferndale for my work, and how it distracted me from giving blood regularly like I used to. She told me about the health benefits of getting rid of old blood so your body can replenish it with new, and that made a lot of sense to me. Thursday the Ferndale Bike Club had a pre-season ride in the evening. As the Junior Ambassador, I am getting better at striking up conversation with strangers and not being so afraid of what they think of me. We rode for an hour or so around the Ferndale/Oak Park neighborhood, had dinner at the Emory and afterwards went to Liz's where we put together a calendar of rides with specific dates. Friday I went to Somerset and bought myself a new sweatshirt that I'm going to stencil with the Bike Club logo and at night went with my friend Cori and her friend to Cliff Bell's to see some live jazz. There was a great trio that plays the first Friday of every month, and they had a lady join them to sing on some songs. She sang three Frank Sinatra covers, and that was pretty cool. Saturday Alex and I drove out west to stay at our parent's for the weekend. Beforehand we went to Briarwood and hung out for a while before Kenny got off work and then hung out with him at his apartment. We met up with Ben later that night after the MSU game and played pool at Sticks in Depot Town.
Sunday my mom cooked Easter dinner and my Dad's sister and her husband and my Mom's sister came over. After eating we played dominoes for a few hours. Alex decided to stay at his parent's an extra night so I came home and ended my vacation with a walk around the neighborhood and managed to get to sleep by 1:00.
Today was a pretty great first day back. I can tell that having time off did me a lot of good... and, seeing as we had Good Friday off anyway, I used one less vacation day than I thought I was going to. I'm thinking of doing another week off again sometime this year.
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