idle will kill

essays on love, part 5

2012-01-18T16:25:00.003-05:00

What alcohol will do is allow for an ex-girlfriend to speak to me when really both of us would rather inhabit opposite sides of the planet. An obituary on my 79th birthday would be enough contact for her to make with me. When I'm sober. Somewhere where we don't have the same favorite bar and mutual friends. But I'll admit, as a product of forgiveness, I enjoyed talking with her. Today I can see many of her intentions in ways I wasn't privy to when we were dating.

She came up to me between turns playing pool with her friends. She had an "I know I don't belong here - and neither do you" look on her face. She asked me a favor. She asked me to not write about her in my blog anymore. I paused for a moment to think about what she could've been referencing. Beers hadn't blinded me to remembering what I'd possibly said about her. I just didn't care anymore. In the past several months I had moved on, and thoughts of her had dwindled down to nothing, or turned themselves into self-observation. I didn't hate her. I hated the person I had become when I was with her. Her presence in my mind was only an afterimage of the mistakes I had made and needed to learn from. When she began calling and texting me, only hours after we'd broken up, I knew that all I could've gained from her attention was far, far behind me.

Such a calm distaste I felt then. I wanted so badly to trust her smile and kind words, but some things even the blind can see when they're willing. Here is someone who claimed to have let me know them. Here is someone I'd convinced myself I loved. Here is love's potential for illusion, and illusion's potential for persuasion, and persuasion's potential for faith, and faith's potential for fear.

A vacation gave me insight to forgiveness: loving even the things that hurt you and knowing they cannot cause you pain unless you let them. When I read back over the blog post which had sent her over to me, I laughed and knew that she couldn't have read into the meaning with which I wrote. The only thing I can do for us now is the opposite of what she asked. I am writing about her. I am thinking aloud to the world with an absence of fear. Choose hate if you must, because there's certainly meaning in a strong emotion like that, and it's nothing that comes from someone else. It always comes from within.

2011-11-18T16:00:00.000-05:00

How I'm capable of so many threads of thought, deep and meaningful in their own individual ways. It could be that no avenue matters more, and would head in a direction I am destined to travel. No, I think that is not some magical answer hanging like the stars over every planet of thought in the universe of possibility. The stars are energy. My own fear keeps me reaching in so many directions. I now know that each force of gravity could pull on me and my potential could nestle, for a time, into comfortable recognition. So I struggle between sustainability and an assertion that no one thing need hold me for too long. I am like a magnet stabilizing, and as such I know there must be a point of attraction! But now happiness is the exertion of thought and effort as wholly as possible in every direction imaginable. The fear of overexertion is the imbalance of energy in a particular direction - whether too much or too little.

2011-08-17T15:14:00.000-04:00

last night I penned our first poem
it was in thoughts after my laptop died
and I'd resigned to turning in my mind

there was no ink
it was fleeting hazy thoughts
inspirations becoming dreams
that composed our first poem

it was wonderful metaphors
and peaceful imagery
I was not scheming to construct
an instrument for ensnaring you

I was only celebrating:
tiny party balloons
which floated me to sleep

essays on love, part 3

2011-08-09T13:33:00.001-04:00

Giving trust to someone you wish to receive it from should not be so difficult. There is a difference between knowing how you feel about someone and living that emotion. I remember the Saturday afternoons I spent in tense anticipation of having dinner with her. I remember the build up to Friday evenings and the let down when she would pause, kiss me quick, and turn out the door without a hint of looking back. I remember the text message admission that she didn't want "any of this" or to see "anyone right now". What sort of foundation is that for honesty?

When I ran into her a month after breaking up, I was overcome with a realization that I missed her. Her response when I told her was that she didn't know what to do with me, but she really didn't know what to do with herself. I had stood in calm appreciation of the beauty of her face, unable to express however I was thinking. Her dark hair and glasses were prettier than I could've painted, given a brush and the talent to do so. And she was mine, though looking back it's more of a fisherman's tale than a believable reality. Our courtship was a challenge, trying to crack the shell of her defensive, distant attitude. It took me too long to ask, 'what could I stand for?'

She texted me about a month ago, saying that "(she) was an idiot for pushing (me) away." She had not realized our issue was her refusal to open herself up. I turned to the girl I was sitting next to and read her the text. I was not afraid to say, "I don't want her back." When the two of them met recently, I knew a happiness in standing next to someone that she never provided me. When she asked me how I was doing, I absolutely froze. There was no way I knew how to convey to her how great my life had been since I began forgetting her.

essays on love, part 4

2011-07-11T11:53:00.019-04:00

It was somewhere between 7:00AM and 2:00PM and I was lying in the bed of a girl I had met the week before.

Simultaneously exhausted and unable to sleep right away, I kept adjusting myself on her mattress in an attempt to get comfortable. I am completely unsure of how much I slept in that span of time. I would feel like I had dozed off for only five minutes before waking back up and tossing and turning for another twenty. Somewhere in that fog of half-sleep I had an incredibly clear vision. It came with a focus and lucidity that punctured the hazy bliss of the past twelve hours. The vision was of my ex-girlfriend. The one I spent every hour of eight months trying to convince that we should get back together. The one every good friend of mine fought their impulses to tell me was no good and a waste of time. The one who couldn't understand why I liked her so much. The one that was a tumor on my brain, a static infatuation and a hopeless grasp for sanity.

The image I had of her was sly. She was standing in front of a dark grey, nondescript brick wall. Her posture conveyed an untrustworthiness that I could feel. What I remember above all else were the details of her face. She was ugly. Ugly in a way that I never noticed, but had to (just had to) have been there all along. Her smile was stained and black with a permanent chasm in her lip where a cigarette would usually sit. Her hair was frayed and pulled back, giving her haggard face a taut, sinister look. Her height had always attracted me, the way it rose so close yet stayed under my gaze, but in that moment I saw her demeanor as cold and repelling. She looked a foreigner; a vagabond in the palace of a king; she knew she didn't belong. In that moment she freed herself from my heart, as she had been dreaming to do. This, now, was my dream.

Milan Kundera quotes, part 1

2011-06-09T10:44:00.001-04:00

"I beg you, friend, be happy. I have the vague sense that on your capacity to be happy hangs our only hope."

from the novel Slowness.

essays on love, part 2

2011-06-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

We were both very tired. In between the heavy blinks and yawns I felt that we'd been together several years, sharing this apartment, cat and that one framed poster she had on her wall. It was closer to living with someone than I could've imagined possible in the six hours we'd spent alone. Our bodies would have sighed under sheets together, and her whispered 'goodnight' would have sent me rolling over the edge into blissful slumber. I felt at ease, in a new, exciting way. That part of me that has no concept of sustainability just wanted to sit on that couch and watch TV forever.

Instead we realized how late it was around 2:00. While I fumbled with my shoes for as long as possible she moved herself to stand in front of me. We kissed that first date kiss that bursts with a range of emotions: shyness, aggression, confidence, gratitude and melancholy. We walked to the door and the faraway, ethereal world I had misplaced where I lived without her 99% of the time. It felt like fear of being alone that turned us to each other one more time. A deep kiss and a sincere hug that had me believing after I'd left that some of me was still in her arms. As I drove home in a state of transient elation, I dreamed of possible futures to come where I would be welcomed into her world again.

essays on love, part 1

2011-03-29T15:53:00.003-04:00

We had planned a pink and brown wedding. We certainly planned a lot of things, and I swear that I never just blindingly nodded my head to her dreams. They were my dreams too. I can safely say that the hardest thing I've ever done was break up with her. Insert joke about it being better to have "loved and lost". Insert heartfelt, nauseatingly optimistic assertion that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Now cross them out and try looking your mistakes in the face. Embrace them, thank them, and love them in the way you never loved your ex-girlfriend. While you still have that love inside you it's obvious that no one has received it.

Where we started is fantastically familiar territory for me, now. The weeks after our first kiss were a barren tundra of unrequited love, begging me with empty promises of satisfaction from strife-ridden devotion. But alas! She was not so scared of my total abandonment of reason. She too believed in song lyrics and christmas decorations. She believed my blind optimism that yes, indeed, love could conquer all. Love could even conquer my own doubts. And let me tell you, dear reader: it can.

From there we spent several blissful years attached to each other's hip. Together we learned a great deal about growing up. Renting an apartment, buying groceries, playing bills, abandoning our friends; sacrificing so many things that we wanted in favor of what the other wanted. We breathed in compromise, unaware of an alternative. Hand in hand we stepped ourselves into the recently discovered shoes of adulthood. We lived together, in so many senses of the word that I felt more at peace when I was with her than when I was alone. We practically became halves of one whole, scarcely able to function independently.

And then we found them: the careers we'd been searching for. So much of our time that was once occupied by whatever jobs we could find in order to make the month's rent was now occupied by the opportunity of a promising future. Career paths. Attractive coworkers. That strange look on someone's face when you mentioned your fiancee and the naggingly suspicious tone when they asked, "how old are you again?"

While the "straw" of a crush which broke the camel's back was exactly the one which I pursued not days after our tear-streaked, tumultuous break-up, there was more to my change of feelings than a pretty face. For the first time since before we'd met, I realized the potential to shape my own future, free from anyone's controlling hand. I started to see just how big the world was. An inkling of life's possibilities was inside me and I could only stare our commitment in the eyes for so long until turning away.

And so I turned. In an admission of failure rife with any underlying embracement of finding inner peace, I emerged from the cocoon of our engagement as a fully formed individual. I didn't need 'us' anymore. Finding love from then on would never be about finding a 'half' to pair perfectly with my own. The concept of yin and yang does not involve two complementary fractions. The happiness of love has nothing to do with submission, complication or pride. You'll know it when you get it but you'll know it even more when you give it.

dry heat

2011-03-14T22:21:00.000-04:00

If I had a dial for my senses, right now I would turn them down.
The same biting sensations are returning, eliciting a tired weight at the back of my eyes. Under my skin burns a numb fire of fatigue, and while it begs to be stoked it won't simply run its course. The blind constant want to solve my own discomfort, when release just might really be the answer. But closing my eyes to the world would only subdue for a while the blaze behind my frustration. The knowledge that this is not right. This is not working. I am only looking up at the better before me that knows I've got it in my sights. No sense in stopping now, but it's not a heavy-handed trying: it's a weightless submission to the future that lets me fall softly into it. But the fire inside me won't let me rest. It won't stop my mind from tripping over its own thoughts. The ache is ever present and sometimes I'm not sure how to make it stop. And if I had a dial for my senses, right now I would turn them down.

"Walden" quotes, part 1

2011-03-03T14:48:00.000-05:00

"To be a philosopher is not merely to have subtle thoughts, nor even to found a school, but so to love wisdom as to live according to its dictates, a life of simplicity, independence, magnanimity, and trust."

pensive

2011-02-24T11:15:00.000-05:00

I really like the word "pensive", and think of it as a state of being I'd like to achieve. I also apply to it my own, expounded-upon, definition outside of being deep in thought. I add an element of patient excitement that makes me think that's simply how I view life. Every moment I have a sort of wondrous longing for what's coming next. Sometimes that leads to an impatient anxiousness, and the tightrope between paranoid and calm is one that I am always walking from one moment to the next. If this balance is to be the struggle of my life, than perhaps redefining such an enchanting word as "pensive" is the key to my happiness.

When a simple phone call could set in motion a series of events which would bring about an answer to the question I've been posing myself - not necessarily an answer to what I need - the momentary supersedes the long-term. The grounded awareness of strict and unadulterated desire stakes its claim over the impulses of action. My hindsight has developed twenty-four years of looking back all for the benefit of looking ahead to something that will eventually become a rearview thought; a page in my chapters of growing which humbly accept they're nowhere near the end, yet always the most important. My tomorrows ask of themselves not to be worried over. They tell me, "you have more to do today, we'll have our fun when you are ready." To that, I pensively embrace what's in front of me.

reactions

2011-02-21T16:05:00.002-05:00

I can't really think of anything wrong with being a reactionary. Some people might imagine it as a disregard for consequences or an ignorance of cause and effect and deem it a dangerous practice. But those are mindsets separate from allowing yourself a little less restriction from the blunt honesty of your thoughts. I know she wasn't faking the look on her face before I caught her off guard; standing at the back of the balcony, barely in sight of the stage. Less than two days prior she had voiced disconcertion over seeing a band she had never heard before. Yet, here she was displaying the kind of genuine smile and unabashed happiness that I could only react to by being practically speechless.

potentional

2011-02-16T17:28:00.006-05:00

I'm gonna write about her. I'm gonna do it. There will be quite a lot of blogger.com saved drafts and Moleskine notebook pages of scribbled prose. And yet I'm so cautious about doing it. Like, almost afraid - which I should be, considering the pain I have experienced. Still, it doesn't always feel like defense as much as a steadfast patience. That is something new, and in its own way exciting. The eve is always better than the day, I think. The potential of love's lightness intrigues me more now, and "meeting her in the middle" is a thousand times more fair that the "fair" I've settled for. But I am not writing about her beauty now. I am not expounding for pages on the curls of her smile and soft response of her skin. This is me predicting those pages. This is something we call "potential".

boundless white

2011-02-12T21:15:00.003-05:00

I'm lying on the ice rink at my parent's house. It's dark. I'm alone. I was listening to Halloween, Alaska, skating around in the dark, and I laid down on the ice with my arms and legs spread out. As the song I was listening to started to build I just had to sit up. But before I do, I look towards the house and the garage and my car. The boards of the ice rink are high enough that I don't see anything below their edge looking up other than the house, garage and my car. It looks as if on the other side of this ice rink the world just ends.

Like this is all there is. And it's a little scary. To be this isolated.

I know I'm not. I can hear cars driving past me. And of course I know there's a world of things out there, my thoughts are on them; considerably. It's a little more beautiful, but still scary. That the world could end right there on the other side of my car.

As I think these thoughts I'm losing my awareness of the cold. Until I think that, and then I start to feel it. As I sit up I can see now the expanse of snow that is the field that extends behind my parent's house, and it's just so WHITE. So untouched and white. I want to go running - running in the field. Until I lose my breath and just collapse in the snow. It's a boundless, boundless white. I know it wouldn't go forever, but it would go as far as I need it to, and I would just run and run and not think about getting back, and the day to come and tomorrow and next week and next year, anything, I would just be lost in the running. The running through the snow. And maybe I would fall asleep in the snow. I have such a hard time taking naps.

And then I want to be reading a book. I don't care what book. A book I hate. A book that's hard to read through but I'm reading anyway, and I'm not just glancing over the pages and forgetting the story almost as soon as I read it. I'm absorbing it. I'm really absorbing it. And it doesn't matter what it is, just so long as it's becoming part of me. Something I know that I can feel inside of me. And it's not that I don't want it, it's that I don't know how to get it. I don't know how to get more inside of me. I feel overflown with things I don't want. I don't know how to let the right things in. I want love. I want to let love in, and I don't know how. Because every time I try, I try to believe that it's not real. I try to tell myself it's not real. I try to find its flaws and its holes because I want it to be perfect and I know that it's not. And so I think it's not good enough for me. But this field of snow, so white, stretching before me. It's perfect. I just want to fall asleep.

red meat

2011-02-04T11:54:00.002-05:00

I've been far removed from my own happiness. Like an ignorant dog so coaxed from its home by the faulty promise of a juicy streak. It was only a mirage - the impression of pleasure in my mind - that I had stumbled upon a solution to my life's great mystery. (Well, I've never liked steaks.) Now I see so plainly how the constant questioning did not truly seek answers as much as it exposed the underlying issue. My happiness belongs to no one. Certainly to no one unwilling to ask my opinion; to share time and space, the fundamentals of a stable relationship. The weight does not come from a touch on the thigh or a planned evening on the horizon. The true foundation is built with calm understanding of thoughts and desires. We are all so generously allowed our own opinions. It is nothing like selfish to be yourself. No peace of mind would ever come from lying to someone, when their interests turn your stomach on end and fill you with an uneasiness akin to shaking your enemy's hand.

That is not to say that no pleasure can be found in a quickening heart and a rush of feeling on the skin. It is a different kind of happiness. I unexpectedly learned how to separate the momentary, the fleeting, from love. Like pieces from different puzzles I then tried to jam them together and pass the resulting hybrid off as pure. It did me so much harm that I am wandering lost in returning it to its rightful place, only after the devoted attachment of the soul. To think I believed any other way would bring me peace of mind. Relief only begins to explain the feeling of being in control of that again! If anything ever came close to regret in my heart, in my past, it would be my own false fidelity.

one and only

2011-01-18T10:51:00.002-05:00

We were so happy in this photo when you were talking me up to your friends, like my attachment wasn't so resented, like I was appreciated. Like I was deserved. Maybe in our eyes you can see that we knew we'd be stumbling home and waking up tomorrow when the sun was already setting. The short day was overwhelmed with your apologies to your mother, and I could only listen to one song, which so incredibly reminded me of you. I told you once, and looking at this photo now I don't know if you remember. This is not who I've known since we broke up and I piloted myself into the ground. Every day we seemed to feel like we should spend together was wasted as I believed you might again be the girl in this photo. With a smile I kissed once. Before we fell asleep and woke up further from love.

failure

2011-01-03T15:38:00.002-05:00

It was here we sat and talked. Well, you were sitting in this seat, I was on the other side of this corner. All the same, we talked like we've talked before at so many bars. I would've thought, that night, that it was you seeking the countertop and stool setting, but my nerves were being calmed too. I was happy with alcohol in my system, untrusting I am of who it makes me sometimes. And we have had some great memories, at these bars.

I would build a fortress of a relationship with you out of all our empty pint glasses. Our elaborate decoration the clinging of suds on the clear glass, like the thoughts I had that slipped away. The things I had to say but was never given the chance. All of my regrets would be plain to see every time I looked at us. But this monument of leftover good intentions would be impossible to clean. And now what's stopping me from smashing all the false supports keeping us together?

At the very least it's starting over, but it's much more like moving on. You may not deserve my obsessions and niceties, but you do deserve to know an honest man. I don't care about your past enough to not care about your future. But, I don't care enough about your future to not care about my own first. Best intentions are not always enough. Honesty doesn't get you everything you want, only peace of mind. Don't forget that you can make that for yourself, and it would only be your fault to let someone steal it away. The trick is to not stop trying for more.

Even when you fail.

acknowledgement

2010-11-27T14:20:00.002-05:00

"Five Little Graves" by The Ivory Coast

is there any way to know that I'm lying,
that my best foot is forward
and that I'm really trying?
must be the face that I make
when I'm straining to keep you
the distance of what I'm really thinking of you

it's the end of the affair
I'm so glad we could come to terms
with the worst part of ourselves
with the worst part of ourselves

is there any way to know that I'm lying
that my best foot is forward
and that I'm really trying?
must be the face that I make
when I'm straining to keep you
the distance of what I'm really thinking of you

I'm so glad we could come to terms
with the worst part of ourselves
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense

I'm so glad we could come to terms
with the worst part of ourselves
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense
outliving the original feeling that
made it all make sense

the moment you start thinking about her

2010-09-25T17:05:00.005-04:00

Because all of the ways you think she could help you are really ways you need to help yourself.

Because the songs she played for you would be great even if she wasn't the one who played them for you, but she did and that's better.

Because she's flawed, and all you can think is that you're flawed too.

Because you have faith in her even when she doesn't have faith in herself.

Because all of the ways you want to help her you can't.

the moment you stop thinking about her

2010-08-31T15:20:00.009-04:00

When you realize that her making you a better person was just you making you a better person.

When you realize that her favorite songs were not your favorite songs, but your favorite songs of her's.

When you realize that the reasons why you were meant to be together were not the reasons why you were meant to be together, but reasons that you wanted to be the reasons why you were meant to be together, because you wanted to be together.

When you realize that you want to be together and not because of reasons that you want to be the reasons why you are meant to be together, but because you want to be together.

boots on a stump

2010-05-12T20:32:00.001-04:00

The first house west of Woodward on some street in Ferndale (Saratoga, I think) has a pair of boots fastened in some fashion to a stump that's painted white sitting out front. The stump is tucked just under the edge of the bushes at the front of the house. This made me think it was put there just as the boots obviously were. When I saw them today, the boots were colored green from a recent lawn mowing. I couldn't imagine any other reason for such an arrangement than a dedication to a friend who had passed away. Whether or not that was its meaning, I was touched by the potentially intended sentiment. I thought about this maybe dead man (or woman) in the past standing on the stump, previously rooted in the house's backyard - maybe his own. On Friday or Saturday nights this guy would love to elevate himself several inches above his gathered friends and make some special announcement. Maybe he was famous for telling stories on that stump. He would stretch tall to demand attention and bend low to whisper at a dramatic moment in his tale. Or perhaps the stump was a shared stage for joke telling and karaoke; retired now. The white paint on the stump made the boots stand out, rather than blend in with the wood underneath. It seemed a fitting tribute.

the Quiz (a work in progress)

2010-05-11T18:22:00.003-04:00

1. What do you want to do before you die?

I want to see Abu Simbel. I want to ride the subway in New York. I want to run a marathon. I want to be put up in the hospital. I want to have a piece of my writing published. I want to write a song. I want to eat sushi in a restaurant in Japan. I want to feel like I have no responsibilities. I want to see the band Halloween, Alaska live. I want to get married outside. I want to see a live platypus. I want to finish a New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle all on my own. I want to meet Simon Pegg. I want to survive an entire day eating nothing but bananas. I want to compile a decade's worth of monthly playlists. I want to own an electric car. I want to brew my own beer. I want to own and read every book by Kurt Vonnegut. I want to sleep for fourteen consecutive hours. I want to steal a street sign. I want to try curling and feather bowling. I want to visit Easter Island.

(6/11/2010)

Effulgence records

2010-05-01T23:07:00.007-04:00

When I was eighteen or so I started my own "record company" called Effulgence. My logo was a bold-faced asterisk, and I numbered my records eff001, eff002, etc.

Of course, I had no connections with actual bands or actual music production equipment. My fun with this idea came from a keen interest in compiling mixes of my favorite songs into well-segueing playlists to fit 80 minute CD-Rs. I got the moniker from a poem by a friend/online-crush named Laura who lives in Vermont and lost my attention when I learned she drank. Mark's Hard Lemonade and an affinity for Jack Daniel's... two things that have plagued me ever since. She was the first person to give me a mix CD - for Christmas - and two songs from it still stand out in my mind: "Pretty Girls Make Graves" by the Smiths, and "Beautiful Freak" by Eels. The latter was the final track on the disc, and I believed that she wanted to be the freak: gorgeous in my eyes, and my eyes only, because one source of affection was all she needed. I spent some time combining spectacular songs into an anthology of my emotions in musical form. I decorated it with a large sharpied star, added eff001 in the bottom-right corner and mailed the CD to her; or I didn't mail the CD to her. In a haze of whiskey it's difficult to remember. In the following months, through AIM conversations I came on too strong. We grew apart, and at the time it was devastating. I have never been able to separate myself from moments of extreme heartache and longing. Everything exists in that instant. If I have any sort of good fortune it is counteracted by my inability to see my feelings in future-tense. I can plan for financial stability but my emotions are the shotgunned side of a dog whose caught rabies and still just won't die before another chance to sink his teeth in.

So several things stayed from that assembled selection of memories. I still make mixes. In fact, that aspect has been magnified. I burn a new CD every month. In my own way of accelerating my life, each new collection is more my thoughts and hopes in lyrical form. Beside, my ability to crumble at the feet of love has driven deeper. Living in the moment has left me trapped in the moment. Effulgent, I am, in making love my priority.

For all the CDs I've burned since eff004 - or wherever I left off - Effulgence records is no more.

reprises and priorities

2010-04-28T12:07:00.003-04:00

Another day of lapsing judgements. Another day of different intentions. Another moment of music making memories of ideas I didn't pen, or kept as secrets on my bedroom shelf. I am angry with the thoughts I keep from her, and it is difficult and wrong to shoot their arrows at her when she offers me so much with her company. But I need guidance to get me through, and more than anything she is my closest friend. I am finding footholds where my own well-being wins for once. Some faces I call friends, some enemies, and some don't answer the phone.

It's always better looking back. Now I have an unintended chapter: Winter, 2010, that my heart turns to for proof.

stacking your own deck

2010-04-27T15:28:00.000-04:00

The tower of cards is collapsed. I see myself smiling in the rubble. Hearts and spades at my sides.

I pick through the debris around me. All that I have been or meant to be made of, now disconnected. One slip sitting next to me catches my eye, and I raise it to catch the sunlight. Patience: enjoying the here and the now, and not mourning what you miss. Time so often taunts me with its passing. When did an afternoon with a book become boring? and when did boring become evil? In the paper pieces I see too many tiers of over-exertion and disenchantment. This is not all me; so much is just faces and numbers. Now is another opportunity to replace my priorities. I know the wind will blow again of change and test me to trust in who I am. I reach for more building material: The folly of being everyone's friend. The fear for fitting in. The jealously and comfort of following in someone's footsteps. This is not my card.

everyone has defined everything in every way

2010-04-21T10:39:00.000-04:00

Everyone has defined everything in every way. Look hard enough and you can find the words you want to hear. It is possible and dangerous to make your favorite songs seem relevant. You're only fooling yourself that you are incapable of making your own meaning. We can all wield a special kind of self-focus that generously shares with the world what we're thinking. We are all poets, and every moment is another chance to stand by what we really feel. Open up your heart: you will not be afraid of what you find.

the sun is out

2010-04-19T09:48:00.004-04:00

To the sound of a CD starting in my alarm clock at the foot of my bed, my day begins. Eyes half closed and clutching the blankets, I reach over my head to pull the shade and see what the sky has to say. Sometimes it's grey, a bleak half-brightness that turns me under the sheets for five more eyes-closed minutes. And sometimes it's sun and warmth, drawing me up and out and on with life. I am ready to move; I am ready to breathe the air outside. Times like these of such unassumed energy, I want to thank the World for something magical I've been awarded. But maybe it was me all along, who knew this heat and happiness. Maybe I made it, and could honor myself and the sun. Maybe a quiet pride would be okay.

scars to prove it

2010-04-14T17:52:00.003-04:00

If this could not fall to bad timing, or our own malfunctions, wouldn't that be the proper ends? For all my careful planning, I cannot see past my own misplaced musings. Even these reassuring thoughts are surely over-saturation, when patience must mean moving on. Her constant influence has always been surprise. Still she shakes me with so much sense to trump my emotional enchantment. Maybe writing this down will tell me that I am in no place to make my claims. I am as fucked in the head as the rest of us.

life after vacation

2010-04-05T17:44:00.002-04:00

Last week I took my first non-Christmastime vacation from RingSide. I had accrued so many vacation hours that if I didn't take time off when I did, I was going to stop earning more. It just goes to show how long overdue it was. My plans were simple: stay home and do nothing.

Of course it couldn't be completely nothing, but I definitely succeeded in relaxing and relieving myself of obligations. The biggest event of the entire week was seeing Spoon at the Royal Oak Music theater on Tuesday. Sarah was supposed to go with me, but broke her kneecap and was stuck in the hospital. I went on my own and tried to enjoy the show without her. More than half of the setlist was non-Transference, and I even took out my phone and noted the songs they played. I intended to burn a CD of all the songs, but with the encore their show was almost an hour and a half!

Wednesday I donated blood for the first time since I got my tattoo. I talked to one of the ladies about moving to Ferndale for my work, and how it distracted me from giving blood regularly like I used to. She told me about the health benefits of getting rid of old blood so your body can replenish it with new, and that made a lot of sense to me. Thursday the Ferndale Bike Club had a pre-season ride in the evening. As the Junior Ambassador, I am getting better at striking up conversation with strangers and not being so afraid of what they think of me. We rode for an hour or so around the Ferndale/Oak Park neighborhood, had dinner at the Emory and afterwards went to Liz's where we put together a calendar of rides with specific dates. Friday I went to Somerset and bought myself a new sweatshirt that I'm going to stencil with the Bike Club logo and at night went with my friend Cori and her friend to Cliff Bell's to see some live jazz. There was a great trio that plays the first Friday of every month, and they had a lady join them to sing on some songs. She sang three Frank Sinatra covers, and that was pretty cool. Saturday Alex and I drove out west to stay at our parent's for the weekend. Beforehand we went to Briarwood and hung out for a while before Kenny got off work and then hung out with him at his apartment. We met up with Ben later that night after the MSU game and played pool at Sticks in Depot Town.

Sunday my mom cooked Easter dinner and my Dad's sister and her husband and my Mom's sister came over. After eating we played dominoes for a few hours. Alex decided to stay at his parent's an extra night so I came home and ended my vacation with a walk around the neighborhood and managed to get to sleep by 1:00.

Today was a pretty great first day back. I can tell that having time off did me a lot of good... and, seeing as we had Good Friday off anyway, I used one less vacation day than I thought I was going to. I'm thinking of doing another week off again sometime this year.

the Spring began with cold

2010-03-23T16:30:00.001-04:00

What caught me off-guard was how I did not feel like crying, it only came. At some moment everything she said was making sense, and I was not afraid anymore. She was fighting for us all along. We would have to learn how to be apart. We would find ourselves, first, before each other.

As she drove off with her friend, she left me with a sense of youthful naiveté; I was renewed and unsure of what these days would do to me. I turned on the music to a newfound energy. I was setting out, but where to go? and how to get there?

March showers bring April floods

2010-03-15T13:20:00.006-04:00

I skim over poems when I read them, seeking answers in their brevity. Same as when I write; to the point and under the dust of cryptic words. Rhythm and melody as scribbles in ink: all similes and alliteration. Always my black notebook is poised for recording the next mixtape gem or life-altering moment maker. That path is already part of my past and it hearkens me to return. To fall at the feet of my own good ideas and believe they carry weight. Crying over my own sentiment only means I'm being self-indulgent. It was meant to be your happiness. I can convince myself, but I find that my heart's match may not be so easily persuaded. Or I am making substance from the breaths in our conversation, they hold hopes for only moments 'til we turn our tired eyes to opposite sides of the bedroom.

Moving on. Another shot at a catch phrase for finding love.

in like a very sunny lion

2010-03-09T10:50:00.004-05:00

It was a warm Sunday in early March.

The night before I went out drinking with my roommate, Alex. We had intended to celebrate our friend Dan's birthday, but he took a last minute trip across the state and neglected to inform us. I was already two glasses and a shot of whiskey down when I found out, and it was his birthday after all, so I didn't mind much. I had been awake since 8:00 that morning so I could give Sarah a ride to work, and while I had braced for a long night, heading home to instant sleep in a few hours sounded wonderful. After I finished my first pint of beer we moved to another bar serving food. The jukebox skipped one of my favorite songs, and we chatted for an hour or so about this and that before I admitted how tired I was. We walked home, forgetting that the day's warmth was no longer with us. There was still a line of people outside Rose O' Grady's; I only shivered when we walked past them.

This morning I woke at 10:00 without an ounce of a hangover. I made some coffee and sat in bed reading the book Julie let me borrow last year that I've been trying to finish. Alex had asked me to wake him up at 11:00 so we could get breakfast, but remembered that his mom was taking him to lunch. I made myself an egg sandwich and opened all the windows of the living room. I lit some incense and let the sound of the birds mingle with Tape's Rideau. This is how I wake myself on weekends. Welcoming the day and being thankful for all its hours offer. Afterwards was breathing in the practically-spring air; taking a first jog of the year and helping Sarah make a poster for her uncle's candle business.

Tomorrow will be warmer, and that is something magical. Something undefinable and out of reach. Like the way a woman's long skirt sways as she walks: her hips swinging with the melody of the sunshine. She does not look at me, I am simply in awe. At that moment she is above our human feelings, out of any love she might feel and only embraced by the Day for how she moves. Even if she turns to see me staring, and smiles, we are not connected. I believe in that moment it is the joy of living that shines on her face. A radiance I am in no league with, and must sit in silent appreciation of, because it will be gone when she speaks.

thank you, February

2010-02-24T10:40:00.001-05:00

Thank you, February, for flying by. In recent years, you have stuck around like ice on my car in a snowstorm. An even four weeks of misery and shivering and chattering my teeth at every stoplight on my way to work. No schedule could be busy enough to distract me from the bleak white outside the forced-air heat of the office where I work. When I wrap myself in scarves and make my way home for the evening, you are cruel enough to shroud the sky with clouds. I am restless when I return, and wool sweaters are never enough to keep the winter air from reaching my bones and drying my skin and as I cling to a blanket, nursing a cup of tea. But this year, you let me peek out from under your cloak of cold depression and I discovered my own warmth outside the weather. Perhaps it was my old friend and new roommate, Alex, who kept me from setting myself into patterns of inactivity - simply with his presence. I sometimes hear him creaking the floorboards of the upstairs where he sleeps; a reminder hanging over my head indeed. Maybe new windows or a better heated house have insulated me from your torments, or a confidence in my career that has me far from being overwhelmed. I place my own appreciation in my new love. A woman who is so much more to me than a kiss and kind words, or a warm body sleeping beside me. Her tiny smiles and the way she holds her cats keep me eyes-closed and smiling as your wicked wind burns my face. Her songs are a part of my soundtrack, and I am dreaming of our summer together under warmer days than you would ever yield. I am complacent and lost in her eyes, while you are attempting to break her spell. Fruitless, February! This strength far outweighs the icicles on my awning, or the heavy snow you piled in my driveway. With every shovelful I am defying you. I feel a cozy company in the world I have drawn around me, with your dreary days as my unexpected ink. You are still not my favorite month, and I read far less books under your Sunday skies than I intended, but you are almost behind me. Good riddance! But thank you all the same, for growing me one more month.

to sustain my crazy

2010-02-08T10:58:00.003-05:00

Rooted so fully in sustainability. Why shouldn't I want to keep this going? This pilgrimage to lands of my dreams with a slow deep breath and a welling in my heart of joy and expression. The swirl of colors from our dancing and the melodies that bleed into Sunday afternoons as I drink in the noise around me. Shifting in your seat at my side questions a comfort I have been sculpting so carefully, and I watch in fear at this house of cards breathed down, tumbling to my feet. True, I build these silly visions with a romantic eye and a longing for something more. Will I ever sigh so humbly at everything you've given me? or sulk soundly in my obstinacy. "Please please please let me get what I want". "If I can't have what I want, I don't want anything". "I want you".

We stand so close, and my mind traces itself around your face. I lose my grip on sustainability, and want to explode myself from devotion. I feel that everything I've been looking for could be found in your eyes and your hair; the bangs you've denounced with such fervor, as your opinions always stand like pillars in concrete. You are quick to dismiss my lunacy, but I do not wish to be rescued from this drowning. I would rather sink than swim in contentment, and let it kill me. Maybe I will come to second life in a even-keeled affection where we are never crazy, never foolish. Not now.

working on the weekend

2010-01-23T10:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I bought tickets for Sarah and I to see Spoon at the Royal Oak Music Theatre on March 30th. I already took the day after off, and if there's any kind of lull in our schedule at RingSide, I am seriously considering taking that whole week off. So far, January has been my busiest month ever at RingSide (and it's not even over yet.) Just last week I worked 10 hours on Sunday, 12 on MLK Day, and 13 Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. We're working on Saturday right now, and I might be working again tomorrow. On the bright side, this is going to amount to some awesome overtime pay.

A couple weeks ago Alex moved into the upstairs of my house. He had the great idea of tearing up the carpet to see what the hardwood floors underneath look like. I was afraid after the pain in the ass it was to refinish the floors downstairs, but fortunately upstairs the wood was in amazing shape, with a newer, better padding that came right off. I really enjoy having someone else in my house. Sarah has been spending the night and staying there as well after I leave for work. Since I've barely been at home, it's good that it's being lived in.

I've been overwhelming myself with new music recently. Alex gave me six albums that he got from his friend, I've downloaded almost the entire Guided By Voices discography, plus tons of stuff from Built To Spill, Pavement, Quasi, and Echo & The Bunnymen (all recommendations from Sarah.)

All in all, things are awesome right now.

I have no problem with the PBR can on my porch

2010-01-20T14:19:00.003-05:00

I have no problem with the PBR can on my porch. It is perched on a window ledge staring out at the morning on my street; the neighbor's cars and the week old snow. Sarah must have left it there when she went onto the porch to smoke last night. I am now imagining her standing there, clutching her shoulders to keep warm as she drags on her cigarette before blowing out the screen door. As I stand next to the coffee pot hissing the day awake, I am lost in the thought of her comfortable and cold at 2:00 AM. My mind settles into a happiness that tells me nothing can bring me down today.

Ray's list for 2009

2010-01-08T18:39:00.001-05:00

10. Engineers - Three Fact Fader

Heavily effected guitars give Engineers a very electronic-driven feel. Entrenching, wall-of-sound melodies and soft-sung poetic, vocals make for an album that is ambient and powerful at the same time.

9. Wilco - Wilco (The Album)

Compare and contrast this to Wilco's older work all you want, it's still pretty good. Solid pop rock songs with a little less spastic guitar than on previous albums - but it's still there. Some straight-forward sentimental messages seem to be a deviation from previous work (excluding "I'm the man who loves you", of course.) Although, maybe I'm not as diehard about Wilco's older work. I'm certainly not against where the band is going.

8. A.C. Newman - Get Guilty

When I heard this album was coming out, I expected it would end up very high on my list. I was a huge fan of the quiet energy on his first album "The Slow Wonder". "Get Guilty", however, seems too... loud. Maybe it's a sign of being booked at bigger venues, but the style of this album is very anthemic, and at home on a large stage. And if that's the case, then all the more power to Mr. Newman for doing what he wants to well - I'd rather he turned down the shouts and crashing symbols.

7. Camera Obscura - My Maudlin Career

The ladies in Camera Obscura have always made glowing, enjoyable melodies. This album is solid from start to finish. I noticed more strings and horns than on previous works, and they only add to the warmth of their already cheery songs.

6. Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care

I have followed these guys ever since I saw them open for Caribou a couple years ago. Each of their albums seem to focus on different energies within the electronic music genre. On "Begone Dull Care" there is an 8-bit influence not present on their previous work that combines nicely with whispered vocals, but also draws out a new, more punctual singing style on some songs.

5. Au Revoir Simone - Still Night, Still Light

For as underwhelmed as I've been with Au Revoir Simone in the past, this album really surprised me. With drum machine rhythms and catchy keyboard chords, the wonderfully haunting vocals are able to soar. Another album that is consistent all the way through.

4. Asobi Seksu - Hush

For those who think shoegaze died with My Bloody Valentine, Asobi Seksu puts out an array of sounds on one exceptional album. From more straight-forward, muted indie rock to dreamy, radiant songs, the singer shines at all ranges, reaching to light and airy at times. This is the kind of album that you have to appreciate for all it's able to accomplish.

3. Reverie Sound Revue - Reverie Sound Revue

I waited for this album longer than I've ever waited for an album. After being blown away by their EP that I heard in 2006, I have been raving to my friends about the vocal talents of Lisa Lobsinger and RSR's amazingly catchy, simple rhythms. Now they have an LP under their belt, and what keeps this from being number one or two on my list is how they've slowed things down on a few songs. While it still nicely compliments Lisa's beautiful voice, I prefer when the band really rocks out (which they still do occasionally.)

2. Apostle Of Hustle - Eats Darkness

In my opinion, the champions of uniqueness in indie rock, Andrew Whiteman's Apostle of Hustle have turned out another gem of an album. Sure, when you take out the quirky interludes you're only left with seven real songs, but each one of them is fantastic. I am still enamored with the promotional write-up on AoH's MySpace. "swallowing poison usually leads to death, but not if the patient knows the art of transformation, not if they can "stomach" the bullshit & hell that is surrounding and tormenting them. this then is the process - one eats darkness & somehow is able to excrete out pure light!"

1. Halloween, Alaska - Champagne Downtown

One of the first albums I bought in a long time, for me this album was about realizing what I really loved in music. From the incredibly poetic (and even chilling) lyrics, to the moody, mellow parts, and even some experimentalism (self-censoring?). Not only that, but it cemented Halloween, Alaska as one of my all-time favorite bands.

January's stars

2010-01-05T12:04:00.004-05:00

Happy Twenty-Ten everyone!

My holiday season was fantastic. I took my parent's to see a live production of A Christmas Carol at Meadowbrook Theatre. It was so great, I was touched emotionally... and it really put me in the Christmas spirit. Two nights before Christmas I was staying late on my last night of work for 2009 when James tweets @ me and it turns out he's in town for the holidays and hanging out in Ferndale with our friend Matt. I get home, pick up Sarah, and we all hang out at the Emory for a while. Afterward Sarah and I then went to Alana's house for Craft Night, and finally we stopped by Laura, JP, Aaron, and Rachel's new house down the street from me. Unfortunately we got there very late, and couldn't stay very long. Christmas Eve Sarah's Aunt and Uncle had an open house Christmas party at their house where Sarah and I exchanged gifts.

Christmas morning I woke up and watched Twin Peaks before my parents came over. I set up a playlist of indie bands covering Christmas songs, and once my Aunt and Uncle came over we played a game of Risk and later Sarah came over and we played some cards before having chicken noodle soup and sandwiches for dinner. That night I drove out to my parent's house where we had our gift exchange and so I could spend the night. The following morning we went to my other Aunt's house for my Mom's side of the family's Christmas. We had a delicious turkey lunch, my cousin and I exchanged gifts, and we had the traditional gift card exchange.

The next day, Sarah and I left on an unplanned roadtrip.

Our original rules were to take turns deciding whether to turn left or right at the next intersection. We also agreed that either of us could suggest a destination, and all turn-taking would cease until our destination was reached.

We started by driving through Detroit and taking pictures of funny signs (ie. "live human hair".) After a couple hours we decided to make it to Chicago. First we visited Sarah's friend Shannon and her girlfriend, and then checked into a hostel for the night. It was really cool to stay in a hostel... it had a very on-the-go, backpacker feel to it. After checking in we walked down the block to Galway Arms, a really cool Irish pub where we had dinner and then went across the street to a tiny little sports bar before crashing. The next morning we drove South through Indiana - getting lost on some dangerous country roads - and stayed the night in the picturesque town of Batesville.

Tuesday we drove through Cincinnati and continued South through Lexington before heading East. We drove the very scenic I-79, ran out of gas in the middle of the mountains, and stopped off in Burnsville before settling on a motel in Bridgeport. After checking in we went to the local mall and saw Sherlock Holmes. I really enjoyed it, and it made me want to read the books.

Wednesday we decided to make it to Baltimore, but first we visited the tiny suburb of... Ferndale! It was a lot different from the Ferndale we live in. We stopped at the Ferndale Tavern where there were half a dozen older guys drinking away. After our first drink, the owner bought everyone a round and the bartender gave us both drink tokens that say "Ferndale Tavern." I asked her kindly if we could pay for our next drinks and keep the tokens, and she let us keep them anyway. After that we drove into Baltimore itself and visited Edgar Allan Poe's original grave site. It was located in a cemetery around Westminster Hall, and though it was dark when we got there, the gate was open so we walked in. We went around to the back of the building where Poe's grave was, and when we came back to the entrance, the gate had been locked. Sarah called the Baltimore police and the officer who came was very apologetic about our being locked in. We then drove around and ended up on the South side of town, and randomly decided on Magerk's pub for dinner. We then stopped at Metropolitan for some coffee (it seemed like a really sweet place to go back to and have drinks) and got back on the road. I was feeling very energized so we ended up driving another three hours and made it almost to Pittsburgh.

Thursday morning we drove to Cleveland and stopped by Great Lakes Brewing Co. so I could add one of their growlers to my collection. We made it back home a little after dark, and we ended up celebrating New Year's at her Aunt and Uncle's.

I spent Sunday readjusting. I took down all of the Christmas decorations and cleaned up the upstairs room of my house because Alex is planning to move in with me sometime later this month. Now it's back to work as usual.

2009-12-10T14:30:00.003-05:00

I'll say again what I've been saying for months: we need to skip February next year. I'm just glad that I have more heat in my house than I did in my last apartment... though I'm not looking forward to the gas bills.

The best cryptic metaphor I can think of for describing my life recently is that I am at the top or the bottom of a mountain. I can't figure out if I am looking up or down at it, but I know it's in front of me. I feel that I must either let go and jump off or gather my strength and start the climb - or both. I know that this is a good thing - it is what I have sought. It is just overwhelming.

I am noticing how my body adjusts to the cold. I feel constricted. It makes me want it to be spring even more. I am doing my best to respect the cycle of the seasons, and adjust or find other ways to fill myself with warmth.

For Thanksgiving, I got up early and went for my annual jog. This year I did it through the neighborhood around my house - where I will be for at least a few years to come. I then drove out to my parent's. I had some great time with them and around 5:00 my aunts and uncles started showing up and by 6:00 we had dinner. I kept trying to get my mom to take off her apron and join us at the table. I embraced another holiday tradition and went out shopping on "Black Friday". My parent's decided they wanted an High-Definition TV, so I went to Meijer at 3:00 AM and waited in line to buy a 42 inch LCD for only $500. I also got them a Blu-Ray player, and came home and set everything up. After taking a nap I went to the mall with Alex for a bit, and then decided to just drive home that night.

Over the course of November, I developed an infatuation with my friend, Sarah. It took me some time to realize how I really felt towards her, but suffice it to say we are now spending a majority of our free time together.

At work, we've been doing full days since mid-November on a large package of spots that will take us through 'til the holiday break. We were also given the week between Christmas and New Year's off. I'm thinking of taking a road trip.

I was really anxious to take care of my holiday preparation. I finished almost all of my Christmas shopping before December by way of local craft fairs and amazon.com. The other week I hung some lights along the front of my house. This Monday I made my own cards to mail to family and Tuesday I took care of all my gift wrapping. Now all I have to do is enjoy the holiday season.

Mr. November

2009-11-04T17:30:00.000-05:00

I knew October was going to fly by, with all of the change of the season activities... I was feeling overwhelmed towards the end.

My two big house-held events went great: the Eat So They Can potluck on the 17th, and the Devil's Night party on the 30th. I raised the $500 minimum requirement to be eligible for a trip to Africa to help distribute the money raised. Of course, I also had a bunch of friends and neighbors over and shared some delicious food. Afterward I hung out with Ben for a few hours and had great conversation.

The next day, I decided to take a long walk. I had somewhat of a revelation along the way. I realized that all of the emphasis I had put on other people motivating me to be the way I should be was really just myself feeling inspired to bring out the part of me that I admired in others and hadn't yet realized in myself.

The following weekend Alex came over and the two of us went to the Harvest Beer Festival in Eastern Market. It was much colder than I had dressed for, but that only prompted me to drink more. We made it home, watched a movie, then went to Qdoba for dinner before driving out to Rochester for my friend Cori's Halloween party. The people there were a lot older than Alex and I, but we hung around for a while before driving back to Royal Oak and hanging out with Ben, Liz, Dan, and Stephanie.

That weekend was at the center of a really intense project that Chris and I worked on that resulted in seven long workdays (some of them 12+ hour) and an additional eight hours on Sunday. At least it will make for a nice paycheck in a couple weeks.

October ended with an enjoyable Halloween. Friday I had my Devil's Night party, and had a great turnout. Considering, I had fairly minimal clean up the following day (plus $8.00 in can returns!) I had intended to take it easy on Halloween day, but Ben, Liz, and Adam (who was in town for mine and another party) convinced me to go to this other party with them. So, Halloween Day I spent hanging out with Ben and Adam while Liz had to work. Afterward we drove out to Rochester for this party. It was in a townhouse that was near the Oakland University campus. A lot of college kids... none of whom I knew. It was definitely a well-thrown party, but the atmosphere was a little too "frat house", and we were all happy to leave after a couple hours.

This week, I started on a company-wide project to produce a documentary. I've spent the past couple days capturing hours and hours of footage that we've collected and logging the shots. Over the next few months we'll continue to scan the already-loaded footage and try and form a cohesive story.

I am going to do my best to relax and enjoy the upcoming holiday season. I've already got a surprise present idea for my parents, and am glad to have new windows in my house. I want to try grow a full-on beard for the first time. I also got myself the coolest winter hat I've ever owned. This winter won't be quite as cold as the last one.

waiting for October

2009-10-08T20:00:00.000-04:00

Early Autumn is my favorite time of year. I always forget how quickly the weather turns chilly, but once I've got that first cold behind me (mine was this past weekend), I completely embrace the cooler weather, and all of the things it allows for: sweaters, hot drinks, and the smell of pumpkin pie (from a candle or otherwise.)

Last week was fairly uneventful... the highlight was finding an amazing fabric pattern at Target when I went there with Ben and Liz. The thing was, it was a shower curtain... but I knew I had to have it. I was thinking I would just fold it over and make it a tablecloth, but then I realized that the pattern would make awesome window valances. I did some measurements, and realized that I could cut them in half vertically, fold over the cut edge, and sew it against the back, making a channel for the curtain rod. I went back to Target the next day, bought four more, and with the help of Margrit and Julie (two ladies at my work) I was able to make an entire house's worth of valances. We finished them Thursday, and I hung them up as soon as I got home from work. That night, my neighbor Carey, along with other people with October birthdays, were celebrating at the Rock Lobster night at Sakana. Ben and Liz's roommate Dan joined me, and after hanging out for a few hours, we met up with Liz who was celebrating her friend's bachelorette party. We met up with them at Blackfinn, a place I'd never been to before. I'd heard a lot of things about Blackfinn, and I'm happy to say that having been there I felt totally out of place. So, after a short while I said my goodbyes to everyone and went home.

As I mentioned, I ended up catching a cold. It wasn't the best way to spend my day off, but I did get my car door fixed and had a great lunch at Toast. With nothing else to do, I drove out to my parent's early. That night I was feeling like total crap but ended up sleeping for a good eleven hours and Saturday I felt much better. Saturday night my grandparents took everyone on my mom's side of the family to dinner at Lone Star Steakhouse (kind of the ritual place.) That night was the Butthole Surfers/Built To Spill concert in Royal Oak. I knew a bunch of my friends would be out at the bar, and though I was still feeling under the weather, I figured one drink and an hour out wouldn't be too bad, so I headed up to the Loving Touch around 11:30. The concert hadn't finished yet, but there were still a lot of people there. I ran into my friends Andi and Melanie who were hanging out with their friend Sarah. They let me sit with them, and after talking with Sarah for a bit I felt like we were hitting it off. Eventually everyone moved up to the bar, and my friend Ritchie was DJing in the seating area. I sat down next to Sarah, and we talked for a while before I got the courage to ask if she was seeing anyone and if she'd like to go on a date sometime. We exchanged numbers, and made a date for the coming week. Sunday I spent the majority of the day cleaning up around the house and baking two pumpkin pies - one for myself, and another to thank Margrit and Julie. That night I went and saw Pandorum and Zombieland with Ben and Liz. Pandorum wasn't great, but Zombieland was fantastic - my favorite movie of the year so far.

Monday I worked with Mat and had my grandparents over for dinner. I cooked them a chicken stir-fry and we had some of the pumpkin pie for dessert. Tuesday I worked with Mat again, and after work met up with Sarah at the Bean and Leaf cafe in Royal Oak. We talked for a nice long time, and though she might be having some friends over this weekend, if not I invited her to the Friendly Foes/Javelins show at the Berkley Front. Wednesday I assisted Byron, and today I've been going back and forth helping Chris and Byron. It's been a busy week around the company, but at least it makes the time fly. I did wake up feeling like my cold was coming back, and the air conditioning around here doesn't help. Tomorrow after work I'm going to spend the night at my parent's and Saturday I'm meeting Nicole from Sloe Gin Fizz to pick up a specially made three-foot print.

Planning for the Eat So They Can potluck is going well. I'm expecting a nice assortment of friends, family, and co-workers. If you haven't heard about it yet... it will be on Saturday the 17th at 2:00. Around the world people are hosting dinner parties to raise money to fight child poverty in Africa. Last year my friends Julie and Laura hosted a potluck at our house on Ardmore and they won a trip to Africa to help with the effort. This year I am hosting one, and all you need to bring is a dish to pass... and a friend if you can!

time flies when...

2009-09-28T15:10:00.000-04:00

October is going to be a ridiculously busy month for me!

As if the past week hasn't been busy...

The D.I.Y. Street Fair was amazing! Friday I stayed out way too late but enjoyed performances by my friends in Serenity Court as well as Patrick Davy. Saturday I spent the entire afternoon shopping. My absolute favorite artist was Sloe Gin Fizz: whimsical drawings by my new friend Nicole Ray. Every one of her works touched me, and I purchased a print of "Sub(tract) Housing" and talked to her about specially making me a three-foot tall print - both of which I intend to build frames for. I also bought a fridge magnet by one of my favorite artists: Kill Taupe, and a Decemberists poster by my friends Chris and Ed in Silent Giants.

Sunday I hung out with my friend Ben and we watched Mother Whale, Sisters Lucas, Champions of Breakfast, Friendly Foes, and when Liz got off work she joined us and we played a little bit of pool at the Loving Touch before turning in.

The work week after that was interesting. I stayed until midnight Monday night, and then Tuesday we had to work all through the night... I didn't leave until 7:30 in the morning. I went home, got a couple hours of sleep, and came back in at noon to wrap things up before our client's 4:00 meeting. That totally threw my schedule out of whack, and it took me 'til Friday to get back to routine. Friday night Ben and Liz came over and we watched Evil Dead II.

Saturday I drove out to my parent's to watch the Michigan game, and to help paint the hallway and living room. When they took a break for lunch I went to Wasem's to get cider and doughnuts, and after we finished painting we all went to dinner at Red Robin.

Sunday I decided to go to a yoga class at Namaste, and I felt really out of practice. Afterward I met up with Ben and we picked up a suit that he bought at Men's Warehouse, and met up with Liz and had dinner at Fuji. Liz had to go back to work for a meeting, so Ben and I went to Cass Cafe for the 23rd Cass Collective. There were some really interesting noise performances and the night was capped off by an awesome performance by Mother Whale.

This morning my alarm didn't go off, but even though I had gone to sleep after 2:00, I managed to wake up and get to work before 9:00. Tonight I'm going to hang out with Ben and Liz again before Ben drives back to East Lansing.

Looking ahead... this Friday I am taking the day off work to get my car door fixed (it doesn't open from the outside) and take my ritual Fall walk around town for the afternoon. I put extra effort into making an amazing mix for the month of October - it is one of my best accomplishments in setting a mood and blending genres. Friday night I'm going to go to my parents again for pizza night and to watch the Michigan vs. Michigan State game on Saturday. Saturday night my grandparent's are taking the family out to eat before they move to Florida for the winter.

October 17th I'm hosting an Eat So They Can fundraiser potluck at my house. I'm hoping for a big turnout... I've invited all of my friends, relatives, and coworkers. October 24th is the Harvest Beer Festival in Eastern Market, that I'll probably go to with Ben, Alex, and possibly Britney. I'm also throwing a Devil's Night party. I started a checklist of all the things I need to get... let's just say it's lengthy. I did make an awesome flyer:

It'll be Christmas before I know it!

2009-09-17T16:27:00.001-04:00

There have been so many great albums released this year! Here's the rundown of my favorites so far (that I'm aware of):

Apostle of Hustle - Eats Darkness
Asobi Seksu - Hush
Black Moth Super Rainbow - Eating Us
Engineers - Three Fact Fader
Halloween, Alaska - Champagne Downtown
Junior Boys - Begone Dull Care
Röyksopp - Junior
Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Wilco - Wilco (the Album)

that doesn't even include releases by A.C. Newman, Animal Collective, Andrew Bird, Doves, and Grizzly Bear which could always make a greater impression on me.

Last Wednesday I had dinner with Britney. She talked about hosting a pizza and movie night sometime in October, and I invited her to join Alex, Ben and I to the Harvest (Beer) Festival at Eastern Market. I also decided to have a Halloween party (on the 30th) so, if you're reading this and are looking for a place to party... you're invited.

Last weekend was excellent. Saturday my parents came over in the morning to help me rehang the blinds that had to be taken down when I had windows put in, and after they left I played soccer for a couple of hours with a group who gets together regularly through meetup.com. After that, I drove up to East Lansing to celebrate Ben's birthday. We spent hours just talking about this and that, and it was such a great feeling. That day felt like the perfect day.

This week started off surprisingly - with a 14 hour day. The next couple days passed quickly with just a little bit of work. For the past week or so I've been teaching myself Adobe After Effects, and today I made a short type animation that Chris might use in a promotional video he's working on.

This weekend is one I've been looking forward to for a long time... the Ferndale D.I.Y. Street Fair! (I've completely forgotten that the "Funky Ferndale Art Fair" is also this weekend). I am going to be spending practically all of Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday enjoying the festivities.

keep your eyes on right, keep your eyes on right ahead

2009-09-01T17:18:00.000-04:00

So, Gina moved to Boston to go back to school. I understood from the moment - about a month ago - that she decided that was what she needed to do that it would mean the end of our relationship. She gave me so much inspiration and motivation over the past several months that we spent together, I don't know how I could ever thank her.

I am going to have a five-day weekend starting Thursday. Sometime in the morning I am going to have ten new windows installed throughout the main floor of my house, which hopefully won't take up too much of the day. After they are finished, I am thinking of going to see District 9. I have heard very little about the movie, other than it's really good (and that not knowing anything will only make it better.) Friday is Alex's birthday, and him and I are driving together to Ben's house. Sometime over the rest of the weekend my parents are going to come over and I'm going to cook them a Labor Day dinner.

I don't particularly mind the colder weather we've been having, I just hope that it doesn't get colder than usual in late Autumn. The way the weather is now would be perfect until Thanksgiving. I was reflecting recently on what my favorite season is: when it's winter I want it to be spring, and when it's spring I want it to be summer. I've come to appreciate the summer more, but with the fall approaching, my usual sense of excitement is returning. The fact remains that when it's autumn, I want it to be autumn. I would say that I wish it could be autumn all year round, but I am a firm believer in the notion that nothing good can last forever. If the best things in life were constant, we would take them for granted. I've consequently gotten better at living in the moment - not concerning myself with the past which is unchangeable, or the future which is unpredictable, but to just be conscious of the life I am actually living,

past is past

2009-08-10T12:27:00.001-04:00

So, as with any time where I wait a month between entries, a lot has been going on. I am still dating Gina. I am still slowly making progress on sprucing up my house. I am still spending the majority of my time at work, and the majority of my free time watching TV.

With only four other Assistant Editors, whenever all of our Online edit rooms are booked, I end up getting tapped to help out. Chris and I haven't had a constant flow of work though, yet there is talk of some bigger jobs later this month. Some people might be happy to be in air conditioning, but with the tundra-like temperatures this room always seems to be at, I would much rather be outside in the heat.

My dad built me a bookcase for my living room that is absolutely enormous. It really is intimidating the first time you walk into the room with it. I've gotten used to it now, and love it for being able to hold all of my books, movies, and assorted knick knacks. My dad also helped me lay down some dirt along the north side of the house - I needed to adjust the pitch of the ground because it was angling in towards the house. My next big improvement will be new windows throughout the main floor; I'm having them installed September 3rd.

A couple weekends ago the Ferndale Bike Club had a joint garage sale at Carey's house (she lives across the street from me) so I helped Gina clean a lot of the clutter out of her apartment which was sold or donated, and I got rid of a couple old CDs, DVDs, and more importantly my entire Magic collection (I did hold onto a handful of the best cards which I'm selling on eBay.) I also finally listed the pink stove that came with the house on Craigslist.

I'm thinking of planning another house party for sometime in early September. Anyone interested?

as summer surrounds us

2009-07-07T10:34:00.000-04:00

Bullet-point entry time.:

- Had my official "housewarming(s)". My grandparents and some of my aunts and uncles came over on the 20th. We went to lunch at Pete's Place and after they left Gina and I went to one of her childhood friends's wedding. The following weekend I had an Open House for friends and neighbors. Vodka punch + basement dance party.

- Gina and I are officially dating now. It's been awhile since either of us was in a relationship, but that's allowing us to settle slowly into it.

- Since my last entry I've read God Bless You, Mr, Rosewater, Me Talk Pretty One Day, and The Catcher in the Rye. I just started re-reading Ender's Game. I've been picking up tons of used books from garage sales and book stores. My dad is building me a bookcase that should be done this weekend. I am going to fill it up with knick knacks and, of course, books.

- I realize something that's been missing from my life since shortly before, during, and after the move... video games! I've neglected playing Guitar Hero in a long time, and until yesterday I hadn't even hooked up my N64. I love old Nintendo platforms... I have a SNES and an NES with a ton of games, but right now I've been itching to play a handful of games that I picked up from a garage sale at a STEAL: Super Mario 64, Mario Kart, and Mario Party 1, 2, and 3... for five bucks!

- Last weekend while I was staying at my parents for the holiday I hung out with Alex, Kenny, and Kyle. I realized that I've really missed being able to see them all the time. It's just difficult living so far away... and then whenever I'm in town I'm always wanting to make a point to see them because it's so rare that I can.

- I've been getting really into designing and repurposing. All of the decorating of my house got me started, and I've since handmade a CD case for a mix I made Gina, a box for all of my loose tea bags that I decorated with a black and white map of detroit, and a collage of a bunch of stickers/cut outs/memorable items that has become a sort of evolving poster that I hung in my kitchen. I've turned a bunch of old, glass kombucha bottles into containers for coffee beans, tea leaves, popcorn, and eventually other things (as I think of what to put in them). I also designed a kitchen storage shelf that will hold them as well as spices, towels, and oven mitts. I want to turn my one room upstairs into a 'studio'. I've put down this plain paper photography background over the floor and put my desk in the center of the room, but I've yet to really use that space for its purpose. I also have an idea or two for a t-shirt design. I think I'd like to try hand-screen printing, but I was using photoshop at work for the design, and the past couple weeks I've been working with Ron and have been busy every day. It's nice to be absorbed in daily work again.

- Last Friday I had my "vacation" day for the 4th of July. I drove out to my second favorite Indian restaurant, right across from the Ikea in Canton: Ashoka, and saw Public Enemies at my favorite movie theather: the Goodrich Canton 7. I had really high hopes for Public Enemies, which is probably why my reviews of it want to point out the negatives. For one, the filming they did in high-definition digital - especially the dark scenes and the interior scenes - looked bad, enough that they were distracting. I think I was expecting (read: hoping for) a visual style like Road to Perdition. Also, whereas I think Johnny Depp is a great at embodying characters to the extent that you forget that it's a regular person, in this movie I felt it was more like just Johnny Depp acting as himself being called "John Dillinger." As with anything based on actual events, I'm picky about how factual the details are. I won't give anything away, but it felt like some liberties were taken for the sake of the story.

- The new Wilco album is really great, as is the new Apostle of Hustle. Even though it's no "National Anthem of Nowhere", the concept is what really makes it. From AoH's MySpace:

"The very title "apostle of hustle eats darkness" mocks the omnipresent and utterly common advertising slogan. Do this! Be more desirable! Make others like you!? If they were selling anything, it'd be "eat darkness - you'll feel better". Not exactly, but there is an alchemical process at work here. Transformation does have its costs. You can't expect to feel better about life right away, can you? Why eating darkness? How is that supposed to help? Lets go back to the old idea of the shaman; the one who cures by ingesting the poison itself; he is the one who has been the sickest and thus has the skills to know how to travel back and forth between states. He suggests, eating darkness will be the cure of your darkness. Its very traditional. William Blake: "The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom". Swallowing poison usually leads to death, but not if the patient knows the art of transformation, not if they can "stomach" the bullshit & hell that is surrounding and tormenting them. This then is the process - one eats darkness & somehow is able to excrete out pure light!"

- All in all, things have been going great for me recently. I've been finding that little things that would normally really upset me with worry I've been able to shrug off or take in stride. Could just be the nice weather. Whatever the case, I'm not complaining.

odessey & oracle

2009-06-01T11:50:00.000-04:00

I met this girl, Gina. We really like each other.

We met at a barbecue last weekend and talked until 2:00 in the morning. We exchanged numbers and met up for coffee on Tuesday. Turns out we have a lot in common. It's been a long time since I dated anyone, but she makes me comfortable enough to just be myself.

Alex and Ben came over to see my house on Saturday. It was the first time Ben saw it, and the first time for Alex since we painted a couple weeks ago. We had dinner at Bastone in Royal Oak, and came back and bar hopped around Ferndale for the night. We slept 'til past noon and had a very late breakfast at the Fly Trap before they went home on Sunday. I then went over to James' to help him pack. I gave him my May mix CD, as well as all of my mixes from 2008 to listen to on the long drive across the country. After that I called Gina and she came over and we watched the movie of Slaughter-House Five.

Today I feel overwhelmed with things to do. James ended up giving me his lawn mower, and even though I wanted to put together and use the reel mower that I bought (I had started to put it together before I helped him pack Sunday), I'm thinking I might be better off taking it back and getting the money. I spent so much this past month on stuff for the house, I'm practically broke for the first time in a while. Obama needs to hurry up and mail me my First-Time Home Buyer's Credit check. I guess with it being rainy today I don't have to worry about mowing the lawn, but when it does get nice out again, I should really do some yardwork. I'm planning to have Julie and Laura over to see my house now that Julie is back from Africa, and Nick and I are hopefully going to go out for a drink sometime this week.

less pink

2009-05-18T14:34:00.000-04:00

Last night was my first night in my new house.

The weekend of the 9th and 10th was entirely given to refinishing the hardwood floors. The final coat of finish didn't go down until 5:00 Monday morning. At least I was able to take my parent's to Como's for a Mother's Day dinner.

Last week I helped out with some Online jobs while other Assistants had the day off. It was nice to do some of the work that had been so routine for the past year but that I had been away from since I started working with Chris. I took Thursday afternoon off to pick up paint and supplies. Friday I left work a little early and decided to paint the enclosed porch as a surprise to my parents when they showed up Saturday morning. Alex came out to help, and we were able to paint the entire living and dining room areas as well as the kitchen. I chose an olive green for the kitchen and dining room (the kitchen in a semi-gloss finish) and a matching brown for the living room. I have a flair for very saturated room colors. I really enjoy the natural look of the green and brown together: much better than the light/pink decor that the house had before I moved in...

Sunday my dad brought his truck over and we moved all of the large furniture into the house, and after they left I made several trips in my car to bring over all of the essentials so I could stay the night there.

Today I am going to paint the inside of the kitchen cabinets that we weren't able to do on Saturday, and then I can put all of the cabinet doors back. I also need to replace all of the light switch covers and hang my pictures. My best friends Alex and Ben are going to be the first friends to stay the night this upcoming weekend, so I'm hoping to have everything moved in, unpacked, and in place by then.

I'm planning to have a housewarming party in June. Hopefully, I'll be able to host the June family get together during the day, and then in the evening have friends over. I want to have as many people as possible over, so if you want to come and there are any dates in June that won't work for you, let me know. I especially want Julie and Laura to make it, but they have a lot of wedding activities in June, so there's a chance it might even get pushed back to July. I've missed Julie, and she isn't even going to be getting back from Africa until June.

change one thing...

2009-05-05T14:01:00.000-04:00

I've said it before, and it still rings true: change one thing; change everything. Or, at least change so many things that it sure feels like everything.

So, I have the keys to the house. Last Thursday I drove to Dearborn for the closing. I got there at the same time as the seller, which was a good ten minutes before everyone else showed up. My mortgage lender walked me through everything, which was really great. I'm sure the closing agent would have done the same thing, but it was nice to have someone I knew walking me through the process. I meant to do a mental count of the number of times I signed my name, but I would guess it was around fifty. The whole process took a little over an hour, and afterward I drove straight the Ferndale city hall to register the title. The first thing I did when I got inside the house was start pulling up the carpet. Once I got down to the padding, I realized that it had been on for so long that the padding was stuck to the finish and about 1/3 of the finish had to be scraped away with the padding. My parents came over on Saturday and we removed all of the remaining carpet staples, the tack strip, and scraped away 99% of the stuck padding. As it turns out, we're going to sand the floor down to wood and refinish, which is going to take another weekend - hopefully this upcoming weekend. Once that's done, we can really get moving forward moving in furniture and painting.

As for other notable changes... I've been able to keep up reading. So far in the past month I've read four of Vonnegut's books: Bluebeard, Breakfast of Champions, Galapagos, and Slapstick. I just started on Player Piano, his first novel. I decided to completely change over my bank accounts, so now I have everything at Chase. I went to BestBank today to close my account, and I felt kind of bad doing it. They gave me all of my money in cash so I went straight to Chase to deposit it. I've also decided to grow my hair out until after I've finished moving. It's already longer than it's ever been, and I haven't completely decided if I'll cut it at the end of the month, but chances are I will.

Anyone who's interested in helping me paint/move: most of it will be taking place on May 16th and 17th. It sure can't come fast enough for me!

almost there

2009-04-27T19:22:00.000-04:00

T-minus three days.

The time has relatively flown over the past week. Looking back I am very happy, because even being really busy this week, Thursday is going to take forever to come.

Last Monday I came home from work to find J.P. and Aaron hanging out in Julie and Laura's part of the house. I was glad to have people there, because after they left Sunday night, the house felt very lonely. Thursday at work WOMC radio came by with Tom Horton's coffee and doughnuts, as part of a promotion that one of our accounting ladies had won for us. By coincidence, one of the girls who came from WOMC was a girl I had met last fall at Trader Joe's in Royal Oak named Paula. We both recognized each other, but it took us a few minutes to place where from. After we realized, we exchanged numbers and agreed to hang out. After work Thursday I went to the Russell Industrial Center for the AIGA Design Re:View that featured some projects done by my coworkers. Afterward I went with a handful of friends from work over to the Northern Lights Lounge, but I was feeling very tired and didn't want to drink too much and drive home, so I took off around 11:00. Friday after a terribly slow day at work I drove to East Lansing to visit Ben. J.P. had invited us to go to Crunchy's where Aaron was celebrating his birthday. It was cool to see friends I met through Julie and Laura in a setting outside of our house.

On Saturday I met my parents in Commerce Township to pick up some furniture I found on craigslist. It's an entire furniture set: a couch, loveseat, and ottoman. They are a really grey olive green, and microfiber: absolutely awesome. They are exactly what I wanted for the living room at my house. That night I met up with Paula and her friend and went to Luna in Royal Oak. We had a great night dancing and getting to know each other... turns out we have an incredible amount in common. She was the first person to see my tattoo and recognize the album it's from! Sunday I went for a jog, took some bottles back, and went to Ferndale High School for VegFest. I got to sample a ton of great food, and I saw my friends Gregg and Anglea from Detroit Evolution Laboratory give a raw food demonstration. Afterward I drove out to Paula's house and we hung out for the evening, getting to know each other more. She is a really great girl, and I certainly want to spend more time with her.

Today, I started working on a campaign that James had flown to L.A. to work on for the past couple weeks, and was now being worked on here at RingSide. I have spent the day assisting Noah, an editor who lives and works in L.A. He is a really great guy who basically just brought along his laptop and set it up in an empty edit room. I think this independent, self-sufficient editing style is the kind of position I want to be in myself. We are going to be busy for the rest of the week, and even in to the weekend on this project. I have taken Thursday off to close on the house, and Sunday because of a family get-together. I am hoping, however, that with my parent's help we'll be able paint around my work schedule on Friday and Saturday, and finish up Sunday.

rediscovered motivation

2009-04-15T15:37:00.000-04:00

I spent an unfortunately lengthy, and yet widely distributed portion of the past three or four months laboring through Sons and Lovers written by D.H. Lawrence. Similarly to how I am inspired to do so many things (through popular culture reference), I heard D.H. Lawrence's name in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and decided that I'd like to have reading one of his books as an accomplishment under my belt. While browsing the used book store at the end of my block, I noticed the plain-looking hard-covered copy of Sons and Lovers that I would spend the next three or four months carrying. This purchase coincided with a decision of mine to buy a number of books which I have had interest in reading, as well as some which I have read before and wish to claim as part of a presentable collection. I intended Sons and Lovers to be just the first in a line of novels which I would quickly absorb during the cold winter months I would be trapping myself in my apartment. As it turns out, I spent more of that time watching movies and eating popcorn than I seemed to spend with Sons and Lovers. I managed most of my page-turning on weekend mornings when I stayed in bed with a couple cups of coffee and an empty agenda for the day. Even in those idealistic conditions, however, I was only able to manage a half-hour or so of solid reading. I worried that I was losing my ability to enjoy quality time with a good book. I feel, now that I have finished, that it was only the book that was hedging my interest. I have since shifted to Kurt Vonnegut's Bluebeard and in three days have almost 200 pages behind me and a rediscovered motivation to continue reading and consequently do some writing of my own. So, this entry is serving as a sort of exercise of my literary talents. I haven't been opening the notebook I'd started in October as routinely as when I'd started, but in the weeks remaining until I start painting, carpeting, and in other ways decorating my house, I hope to indulge my creative production.

more than a month's maturing

2009-04-13T14:24:00.000-04:00

I feel like my understanding of the concept of growing is growing. I have been trying to assimilate myself into this whirlwind of change that's taken over my life. Some things I don't really want to talk about, some things are just exhausting to talk about (namely the house stuff), and some of it I don't even think I should talk about if I wanted to. I have to admit a feeling of isolation hasn't exactly been the dominant theme of my feelings, either, as independent as I've been acting. I feel like events are coming to a head, though. It'll still be another two and a half weeks before I can officially set foot in my house, but by the time that comes I think I'll have a different kind of excitement than is gripping me now.

A sign of culmination came this past weekend when I spent some quality time at Cass Cafe with my friends Dan and Ron. It was a great thing that I was able to think about our time talking together without worrying too much beforehand about what exactly we'd talk about. I've found myself exceptionally worried about the future, which I suppose isn't the worst fear to have. My concern is that it's not allowing me to enjoy the present. So Ron and I bantered about the past and the future, thoughts and feelings, modesty and selfishness, and other enlightening topics. I reflected on the position Ron assumes as a sort of mentor to me and how I often adopt the same role towards my friends. It was that morning at the end of a yoga practice that I cried when Gregg, our teacher, asked us to thank ourselves. I realized the trouble I had been having with self-appreciation.

My first major job working with Chris is winding down. It allowed me a nice, long, relaxing weekend. Friday I met up with some friends from work down in Detroit for the Opening Day festivities. I started at Nemo's with Heather and Scott, and followed them to the Detroit Beer Company where I ran into J.P., Rambo and John (who I met through Laura and Julie), Chad, who was out with a ton of his friends, and James and Rob who came out after I told James where we were. Darren joined us, and him, James and I went to Centaur before meeting back up with Rob and having dinner at Oslo. (EDIT: I ran into Mike, the Creative Director we'd been working with the previous couple weeks at Centaur. I didn't mention him because I was afraid he'd read this and I'd be embarrassed to have mentioned him - turns out he did read this and called me out for not mentioning him!) Afterward we all drove back up to Ferndale and went to the Loving Touch. There we ran into Jason, one of our clients, and his wife (who was really cool!) I made my way home around eleven, after about twelve hours of drinking. The next day I felt terrible (mainly because of all the smoke I had breathed into my body), and reflected on the fact that I had only paid for half of the ten drinks I had. In the afternoon I went to the Mayflower Bookshop in Berkley and found an amazing Buddha statue making the two mudrās I had really wanted to find (the right hand held up to shoulder-height with the palm open forwards: a symbol of protection, and the left hand on the knee with the palm open upwards: a symbol of charity and compassion.) It will have a special place in my house once I have finished decorating.

Sunday I relaxed until Julie and Laura returned from Coldwater, where they had been staying with their family, and we spent some time hanging around outside. I started reading Bluebeard by Kurt Vonnegut, and am really enjoying it. After a few hours of reading Sunday I am already 1/5 the way though it. I celebrated Easter by watching Dogma Sunday night, and I realized that it is one of my all-time favorite movies, not only from a production standpoint, but also for it's great story and message.

Today one of our major clients had a holiday, so we weren't very busy. Chris went home early, so I'm just watching the Tigers try to rally from four runs down. I got into a fantasy baseball league with some of the guys at work, and I can already tell that it will make this season more interesting.

house inspection

2009-04-01T15:15:00.002-04:00

This Sunday I had my house inspected. The guy who did it was really great, and we spent over three hours going over everything. The best part is there are very few things that need fixing. The garage isn't in the best shape, but there is virtually no structural damage to the house. All in all it was a very satisfying inspection. I took along my parent's digital camera, so allow me to take you on the first tour of my house...

inside the front door to the right is the living room/dining room

with hardwood floors underneath!

to the left is the kitchen:

also on the ground floor is a bathroom, two bedrooms, and a sun room:

upstairs is one large room:

and it has a finished basement:

it's been a long, cold, lonely winter

2009-03-26T18:28:00.000-04:00

So much has happened to me in the past few weeks. What makes me happy is that I have been able to accept this change very positively and maintain the momentum.

First of all, Cody and some other people at work convinced me that seriously looking to buy a house was a very smart thing to do. I started by researching available properties online, finding a Realtor and talking to a mortgage lender and getting pre-approved and finding out what price range I should be looking in. I looked at a small handful of houses, and there was one I really liked. My Realtor found out that there had been low offers made on the house, but the seller wasn't going to accept anything less than asking. The price was at the high-end of what I was hoping to spend, but I understand that this house will have a higher potential to regain value than something on the low-end of what I wanted to spend. So, I made an offer on the house, and the next day I found out that it had been accepted. I was in so much shock that I told practically everyone just so I could help it sink in. I have an inspection scheduled for this Sunday, and I won't close until the end of April. I will still have my current apartment until the end of May, so that gives me a month overlap during which I am going to look into painting, recarpeting, and maybe refinishing the hardwood floors under the carpet in the dining room and living room. The house is definitely very large... 1200 square feet - not including the finished basement. It has a large upstairs, and two bedrooms downstairs, one that walks through to a sunroom at the back of the house. It is located on the west side of Ferndale on Beaufield St., just off of Nine Mile. I am going to wait and post pictures until I take my own this weekend.

Second, and what helped me decide that looking for a house was really a smart thing to do... my job has changed around a bit. Essentially, I am now going to be exclusively assisting Chris - our head Creative Editor - the guy who founded the RingSide Creative name when he moved to Detroit. I am still going to have other duties on the side, but Chris only has one assistant, and his old Assistant, Byron, is going to be editing on his own now. With this comes a lot of responsibility - Chris's jobs are generally high-budget and with important clients. It also means that I will be getting a lot of hours. Every hour over 80 that we bill for a month we get premium pay for, and every hour over 120 we get even more prenium pay for. There are still three work days left in March, and I am already over 120.

As quickly as March went by, I hope April goes by just as fast. As long as I get to enjoy the good things.

warmer days ahead

2009-02-25T20:29:00.000-05:00

To those concerned, I have been feeling a lot better since my last post. I decided to leave a space heater on in the room at the front of my house, with a wide, uncurtained window facing the street. This past weekend I woke up to sun shine, made some coffee, and read for an hour. Afterward I cleaned my apartment (vacuumed and all) and watched Harold And Maude with Julie. It was a perfect day of setting myself a simple to-do list and feeling really accomplished. That night, Julie, Laura and I had a "potluck". I made a teriyaki vegetable stirfry, Julie made a quiche, and Laura made a dish of baked rice and squash with almonds and feta cheese; it made for an amazing dinner. Sunday I went to a Yin yoga class with Cori. The concept of Yin yoga is holding poses for a lengthy amount of time (about five minutes.) When doing this, you attempt to relax your body into stillness and prevent yourself from making the kinds of constant adjustements that I am all too prone to doing. The whole idea of meditation through stasis is fascinating to me, and it is a practice I would like to continue. The rest of my weekend I spent relaxing and watching movies.

This week has been slow again. Tanya called in sick on Monday, and Jerome told me that he was going to be leaving RingSide and offered to impart some of his knowledge to me. On Tuesday I talked with Cody about my goals and aspirations for the future, and it made me feel optimistic. All in all, it coincided wonderfully with my learning how to realax for a weekend and feeling more confident in myself. I am even learning to have a better self-image... but I feel that it will have to come last.

This Saturday is my dad's birthday, and I am meeting my parents for lunch Saturday at Benihana. We're then going to my aunt's so I can use their TurboTax software. After that, I'll be looking forward to another sunny Sunday relaxing and composing my monthly mix CD for March.

alienation and exhaustion

2009-02-17T16:35:00.000-05:00

It's strange how last week I was feeling really great, and now two days of not being booked on anything and I'm feeling really depressed.

I billed almost 40 hours last week, and had an easy time getting to sleep at night. We had a company meeting Tuesday to discuss the re-branding of RingSide Creative as an "Integrated Media Studio™". It made me feel very optimistic about my future at this company. I've found myself fairly ignorant about the troubles with our economy. I just don't want to feel like I'm relying on my luck holding out. Often this suppressed paranoia motivates me to do more, but sometimes it just stresses me to the point of fatigue. At the end of the day Friday I left promptly at 5:30 to drive out to Ann Arbor to have dinner with Alex, Kenny, and Kyle for Kenny's birthday. After the stressful yet productive week I had, I really needed a drink. Dinner was great, we spent a few hours talking about nerdy stuff while waiting for the time to drive over the mall and catch a movie. We saw Yes Man, which was a lot better than I had anticipated. Of course, the main idea was all about a guy learning to say "yes"... and then learning when to say "no", but I appreciated it's focus on opening yourself to opportunities. After the movie we drove to Kenny's place and went around Ypsi trying to find a bar, but they were all either full or uninviting, so we called it a night.

Saturday I woke up to a couple of inches of snow. My mom had been nice enough to clean off my car, and I made it to Michigan Productions only a couple minutes late. While we were setting up, I noticed one of the girls who was helping with the student-run webcast. When I went down to grab a bagel, I noticed her again and struck up conversation. After the lecture, I asked her name and whether I would see her again at the next lecture, and she said 'yeah'. I told her to have a good spring break, and the next time I see her, I'm thinking of asking her out for coffee, if she doesn't have a boyfriend.

Since then, things have been kind of downhill. I came back to my parents to a houseful of relatives. We were having lunch to celebrate my dad's and two of my aunt's birthdays. I felt a lot of awkwardness that, to me, feels like resentment from my relatives because I've lost a lot of weight and, for my age, have a successful career. Maybe this is more of my own paranoia taking hold, but it's a feeling that I can't deny and feel constantly, not only from family. Regardless... I tried to maintain a casual attitude about the kinds of issues they were discussing that I felt they were worrying too much over. I tried to express to my mom how uninviting it is to have the host fretting the entire time. I also faced some snide questions from my uncles. I just don't feel the family support I think I should have. After everyone left I played dominoes with my parents, and like I knew he would, my dad wanted to drink some wine. I cheerfully agreed, but with the kind of tension that always seems to build between us, drinking just made us bicker even more. I'm really kind of angry with my dad for how he's become. He is ridiculously lazy, evidenced by his startling weight gain and unhealthy sleep patterns. All he seems to do is play computer games, watch movies, and record a multitude of VHS tapes from the DVR. I'm sure he thinks he's being productive, but he's not. He even tries to give me some of his tapes to watch, and I refuse to encourage this habit he's gotten himself into. I haven't had the courage yet to tell him how detrimental I think his lifestyle has become. And it doesn't help that my mom has no idea how to confront him. While she agrees with my thoughts about his decisions, she defends him every time I try to side against him. Not to mention I feel that she has her own self-esteem problems; the kind that I usually fall victim to myself, but have come to realize as weakness that I want to help her overcome. Every time I try to show her how fruitless and damaging her timidity and apprehension is, it only seems to reinforce it.

I drove home Saturday night, and Sunday I didn't do very much. The most productive thing I did was read for a good hour or so (I'm in the middle of "Sons and Lovers" by D.H. Lawrence.) I also watched Instrument, the Fugazi documentary, and rediscovered why I liked them so much.

When I came to work Monday, I just didn't feel very well. It was a hard to explain feeling, and it's still with me to an extent. I can only define it as a feeling of depression... I'm not motivated to do anything productive, and yet I need something to keep me busy. It's a dangerous catch-22, especially because a lot of people around the building are staying busy, and I feel like I'm falling behind. It doesn't help that I set myself up to operate without anyone's help, because when I can appreciate companionship I don't have any friends around. Today is going better... I feel I am becoming aware of my problem. Writing about it seems to help. I have to learn to slow down but remain in motion. I try to do the very best at everything, and I have to learn that is not possible. I have to learn to take time for myself, and to do that I have to learn what it is I really need. I am still working on that last part. At least I know the kinds of things that are not helping me. I still have a long way to go.

cue "Help!" by the Beatles

not always older than my age

2009-01-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

I ordered a yoga mat last week, and only today while gathering the shipping info did I realize that it's not as long as I wanted it to be. I mean, the only reason I bought my own was because I wanted one that my feet wouldn't hang off of. I'm a little frustrated with my haste.

Regardless, it will still get a lot of use as I've been practicing at least once a week. My neighbor and virtual-older sister Cori introduced me to the Namaste studio in Royal Oak, and in particular their Thursday night class. I first went on my own, and struck up an acquaintanceship with the teacher, Lindsay. We've even become friends on Facebook, and I invited her to have coffee when our schedules allow. She seems like a nice and interesting person, but it's difficult to establish a friendship with someone who I've only met at the yoga studio.

I also rearranged the furniture of my apartment. I moved the bed into the room at the front of the house, and the futon and television into what used to be the bedroom. Not only will this offer a bedroom better connected with the air outside my window, and more condusive to sleep and creative inspiration (ie. writing, drawing), but there is a surreal element to having a shower and sink in the same room as the television.

Work was really engaging last week. I assisted Tanya for the first half of the week on some Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge commercials relating to the Auto Show. We finished 14 spots by Wednesday, and though I haven't personally seen them on television, I imagine they'll be getting a lot of airtime before the end of the month.

On Thursday morning my car wouldn't start, but Julie let me borrow her's which allowed me to drive to work and to come back home during lunch and have my car towed down to the mechanic's. I got it back the next day, and had to have the remote start removed and the battery replaced. All in all, it could have been worse. I hadn't had any other major problems with the car, and hopefully won't experience more.

I drove out to my parent's Sunday night for dinner and to play dominoes with my aunt and uncle who were visiting. I woke up even earlier than usual on MLK day; while I had a vacation day from RingSide, I opted to do some freelance work with Michigan Productions. Our shoot went until 1:00, and afterwards I had lunch at Raja Rani (my favorite Indian restaurant.) My parents had never tried Indian food before, and they didn't like how spicy it was. I am glad they tried it, but I don't think we'll be going there again anytime soon.

This week is going to be busy. Today was taken up by all of the inauguration proceedings. Tomorrow is the monthly free movie in Eastern Market, as well as the season premiere of Lost. Thursday is RingSide's monthly bar night at The Loving Touch in Ferndale, and we're going to have the Silent Years play, who I've never heard but have been told are good. Saturday Ben and Brad will hopefully be coming out to go to the Auto Show, and Sunday I'm thinking of going to Cass Cafe for a benefit for the CAID.

what a new year means to me

2009-01-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

2008 was not a year of anything specific. I am very aware of how everyone had a different year than anyone else. If I had to try and succinctly define my year, I would say it was a year of being wrong. My expectations were frequently faced with opposition. I learned hard lessons about communication, trust, and needs. Not to say that 2008 culminated in the resolution of these problems (I still have a lot to learn), but with a convenient benchmark in this new year, I have been reflecting on who I have been and how it isn't who I want to be anymore.

For me, the changing of calendars is more than a simple adjustment. With my birthday so early in January, my personal maturation is prominent even with everyone reflecting on their yearly growth. Not that I'm trying to come up with some excuse, but I am feeling an honest self-awareness that is prompting some refocused introspection. I have been misguidedly selfish; as with my generosity. I think I need to see the forest for the trees, if you know what I mean.

To put it simply, I know now that I have been trying too hard. I'm missing the point of my own tattoo. I had love twice, and for the feelings it never brought me, the wonders and joys have had me seeing it in friendship, lust, and desperation. Perhaps the only person I have not loved has been myself. And so I lash out at my parents, fall to timidity, and seek answers in style and state of mind. Really, form should follow function. So, let me put it this way:

Fuck all y'all.

Thinking too hard. Not thinking enough. This isn't about definition, or a simple solution. I am always overwhelmed. But, I can choose when and where and how to exert myself, and maybe that burden will begin to lift. Sure, idle hands to do the devil's work, but weary hands do no work at all. Some focused determination has made me an Assistant Editor, but the thin line I've been walking will not get me any further. It's high time I learned some real patience. "Calendars and crosshairs; for the earth spins ceaselessly"; what's the rush if I'm arriving unprepared? I am not turning myself around, there is still a lot of me that I like. I'd like for other people to like me as well. First, I've got to be someone. Someone. Myself.

(P.S. Best New Years party ever! Thank you Julie and Laura.)

as if I needed another input channel to the internet

2008-12-10T10:11:00.001-05:00

MySpace, LiveJournal, Facebook... even a LastFM account that I never check. I'm probably on Twitter and don't even know it. I've recently joined the ranks of YouTube and flickr, latching onto that belief that "if you post it, they will come." Well, I suppose it's that same sense of purpose that's got me posting here.

I'm big on justification. MySpace is casual and for a more personal presentation of yourself. Facebook is good for "networking" (that means playing Scrabble with clients, right?) and a more restricted means of expression (I've always enjoyed working, not necessarily "outside" the box, but "along the edges".) LiveJournal is where I post my "artistic" pieces and stuff like that. On my MySpace I've been posting a regular (if infrequent) blog of goings-on, and I'm particulary fond of Facebook's staus updates. As I've been moving away from MySpace, I thought I might try dual-posting entries here and there, linking my blog on Facebook, and seeing whether it garners traffic and response. I guess it can't hurt... This is what the internet is for, right?